Food Stamps

I wonder if people realize how embarrasing it can be to be poor. I mean, I wonder if people who have never been poor really understand that there are many people who are poor who feel extremely embarrassed to be poor. 

When you grow up poor, or even sometimes when you grow up in what is considered the lower-middle class bracket (i.e. "working class poor"), the feelings that come with it really never go away. 

My family struggled financially after my parents divorce.  I remember feeling VERY embarrased when I had to stand in the "poor kids" line in my school's cafeteria.  I knew that the kids standing in the other line knew that I received free lunch.  I would sometimes skip lunch because I was too embarrased to stand in that line.  I also wore horrible glasses, and I just "knew" that other kids knew I was wearing welfare glasses, so I was embarrased about wearing them too. 

When I became a single mom and was forced to use food stamps, I was VERY embarrased of having to use them.  I was ashamed when the cashiers would ask me what I would be using as my method of payment.  I was ashamed because I thought I would never be "poor" as an adult; yet, there I was, using government welfare services. 

Now that I am getting closer to mid-life (gulp), I am not poor at all.  I am not rich, but, in the perspective of how many people around the world live, I am not poor.  However, I still feel that sense of shame sometimes when I am talking with my peers- colleagues, friends, general associates, and it comes out of nowhere.  For instance, I was explaining to a coworker today about moving into a different part of town in order for my daughter to attend a certain high school.  After the conversation, I felt embarrassed that I told the coworker this, beause I thought that person probably sends his child to private school and so he might feel sorry for me now that he knows my child attends public school.

I could give many other examples of recent experiences in which I had no reason to feel ashamed or embarrased of my circumstances, but I still did.  I know it sounds crazy, but I thought I would share this, so that others would know the deep roots that poverty plants in people.  In other words, continue to be kind to everyone you come in contact with.

The next time you feel judgmental about the lady using the EBT card in the grocery store line, think about how she might feel about her circumstances.  I can assure you, she's not proud of them.

13 Years

It was around July 2000, during the end of my Sophomore year of college, when I found out that I was pregnant.  I had only been dating my boyfriend of the time for three months.  I was devastated.  Every negative emotion flooded through me: disbelief, anger, fear, sadness and disappointment.  I cried for most of the day on the day I found out.  I could not believe that Lyrica, the missionary girl who traveled to Africa and ministered to widows and orphans just a couple years prior, had become pregnant.  My life as I knew it would never be the same. 

I had a choice to make.  I remember thinking about abortion.  I thought that I could possibly just do what other young women my age were doing and end the pregnancy.  I could have just continued to live the life that I was living.  The thought of ending the life of my baby was too unbearable.  Every time that the possibility crossed my mind, I cried and I felt a quiet, whispering voice say to me: "She could be the President some day.... She could change this world." 

I knew that once I told my parents, that abortion would no longer be an option, as they have always been against it.  However, having to tell them was one of the worst moments of my life.  I was visiting them over the weekend and I sat on the end of their bed one night and cried as I told them that I was pregnant.  They cried with me- out of sheer disappointment- and I knew it.  I knew that they thought I was no longer the girl they thought I was.   However, I also knew that they were going to continue to love me and help me with whatever they could in raising my baby.

It was in that moment that I knew that I was going to continue to work extremely hard to accomplish my goals, despite the odds.  I also knew that I loved my baby and I was so thankful to have my parents' support.  However, I decided that if they could not help me, or if they ever decided not to help me, I was still going to do my best to raise my baby and provide a wonderful life for her.  I would just have to seek out every available resource in order to do so.

After my baby girl was born, I named her Harmony because I knew that she would bring Harmony to my life.  Despite my sin, God blessed me with this amazing miracle.  I didn't deserve to be given this gift, but God still gave her to me. 

At the moment I'm writing this, my little baby is about to turn 13 years old.  My life has been changed by this amazing girl and she has made a positive impact on many others' lives as well. 

I'm writing this to anyone out there that has this tough choice to make.  If you ever are in this position and need a listening ear, I'm here for you.  I've been there.  I know the pain.  I also know what to do to succeed, despite the odds.  God tells us that he knows us before we are even born.  I'm so thankful that he knew Harmony the second she was conceived. 

In fact, the voice that whispered to me over 13 years ago that she would change the world some day was right. 

Angels Are Scary

Some people will think that I'm crazy for writing this.  There are many people that choose to not believe in the supernatural, but I do because I've experienced having a spiritual, non-human being around me during my life-time on more than one occasion.

This is difficult to write about, but one of you reading this might need to read it today, so here you go..

When I was a child, my dad often sexually abused me at night time when I was asleep.  He would come into my room and lay with me in my bed.  One night, instead of my dad coming into the room, I saw an angel in my room standing and praying over me and my sister.  I was terrified of it.  I couldn't hardly look at it because I knew it was something that was very abnormal and that most people would never see.  I called my mom the other day to ask her about this incident and see if maybe it was her instead of an angel.  She told me that it may have been her, but that she did not remember.  I believe with everything that I am, even if it was my mother standing there, there was also a spiritual being there that was not of this world who was there to protect me. The abuse stopped shortly after that and my dad moved out.

Earlier this year I had another supernatural experience that I feel compelled to share.   I was on a morning jog and it was dark outside.  As I always do, when starting out the jog, I said a prayer for God to protect me.  After a bit, I was jogging along and heard a dog bark.  I didn't have headphones on, which I do not usually wear when I'm running in the dark due to safety precautions, but I still couldn't tell how close the dog was.  I felt fearful so I began to pray.  I prayed that God would immediately place a guardian angel beside me while I ran.  Within seconds, every hair on my head stood up and I FELT something beside me. I could not see it, but I knew that an angel was right there with me.

Some of you may never understand the depth of the love that God has for you, because you choose to not open your eyes to the world beyond the physical.  I have felt his love and protection throughout my life, so I get it.

Call me crazy, "unfriend" me if you want after this, but I had to share it with you.  God is real, and as my step-dad says, he knows your name and he wants to talk.

Slammin Hoopties

It's funny how memories can come to you at random times.   We were driving the other day and I saw an entrance sign to a neighborhood, which reminded me of the time I rammed my car right into the entrance sign at the apartment building that I lived in when I was 21 years old.

I was driving around a very old car at the time and the brakes were going out.  My boyfriend at that time couldn't (wouldn't) help me fix the brakes and they had been increasingly become worse over the last several weeks.  Our daughter was a newborn at the time and I was working part-time and taking college classes.  I'm not sure why I didn't borrow money to fix the brakes, but, for whatever reason, I decided to keep driving that stupid car with the horrible brakes. 

That particular day, my brakes had turned for the worse.  I was headed home from work.  Our apartments were halfway down a hill and I had a quick decision to make. I could have either let my car keep going down the hill and risk hitting people or other cars or I could run right into the entrance sign at my apartment building and only possibly hurt myself (my baby wasn't with me in the car).  In an instant, I made the choice to run into the sign. 

My car was totaled and the sign was destroyed.  Thankfully, I wasn't hurt.  The apartment rental company wondered if I had been drunk, of course, but I had to let them know in a super embarrassed manner what had actually happened. 

It was not too long after that experience that I decided I had enough with that relationship. 

Looking back at this experience, I don't necessarily blame him for not helping me with the car.  I blame myself for getting into a position in which I relied on an unreliable man to help me with auto maintenance- a task I thought at that time was his responsibility. 

In thinking about this life lesson, it makes me really want to reach out to my single girlfriends and tell them to never, ever do what I did. 

God didn't just give me a sign that day that I needed to end that horrible relationship, he spared my life (and the lives of others) by providing a sign for me to use as a landing pad for my little hooptie.  Who says he doesn't have a sense of humor?!

Fierce and Fearless

I've always wanted to write a book.  I've loved reading since I was a young child and I've loved to write my own stories from a very young age as well.  It is a dream of mine to write a complete book someday, but the topic has not been given to me yet.  I would love to write as eloquently and beautifully as some of my fellow writing friends, but I know I have a ways to go in expressing myself in written form.

I've taken a break from my blog for a while, as you can tell.  I would love to tell you the reason is because I've been too busy, or that it hasn't been important to me. Well, actually I have been very busy, but this blogging task that I know I've been called to do, is very important.  The real reason that I've taken a break is because of fear.  I am afraid that people will critique my writing style and think that I'm not a good writer.  What if my grammar hasn't been perfect? I have also shared very private feelings and experiences and I became afraid of what my friends and family thought about it.  What if I offended someone who was directly involved somehow?  Mostly, I have been afraid of how I have come across.  I do not want to appear as though I think I am an expert.  In fact, I have so many weaknesses and most of the topics that I write about have been placed on my heart because they are things that I personally need to work on- just as much as anyone else. 

This causes me to think about the power of fear.  Fear- to a certain extent- can be healthy.  If we don't fear consequences, for instance, we will repeatedly make dangerous mistakes.  However, fear can also can be life altering and distracting from what our lives are really meant to be.  For instance, if I would have let the fear of raising a baby by myself control me after my daughter was born, I quite possibly might not have decided to continue going to college and complete my degree, despite the odds. If I would have let my fear of running a 26.2 mile long race control me, I would have never ran such a (crazy) distance and I would never known the strong feeling of accomplishment after I completed my first marathon. 

I'm thankful for this particular life lesson.  I can't let my fear control the mission that has been set for me.  I am responsible before the Lord in the end for what I have done with my life, not anyone else.  Regardless of what some people may think, there is at least one person that needs to hear what I have to share.  That is enough for me to know to press on. 

Perspective

Life is about perspective. 

One of the most resonant experiences that I have had to teach me about this was my trip to Africa in 1997.  Prior to arriving in Uganda, I prepared myself mentally for the poverty that I would see.  I pictured starving, sick people on the side of the road that I had seen on TV. I pictured the absolute worst circumstances.  When we got there, we certainly witnessed poverty to the extreme.  However, we also gained some perspective while there.  For instance, at first, I saw the mud huts and felt so bad for those living there, but towards the end of the trip, I started to see the houses according to how the people living there saw them-- average living circumstances.  I started to feel less sorry for the Africans and more sorry for myself.  I felt more sorry for my prideful, American self.  We were so spoiled as Americans, yet we constantly worried about money, clothes, about being outwardly beautiful-- all superficial things.  The widows and orphans that I met that lived in those mud homes were some of the most beautiful and rich people I have ever met.  They had such a great love for people and for the more important things in life and I learned that those things are so much more valuable than living in the ridiculously huge-way too spacious- homes we live in here. 

This also makes me think about my little boy.  He has been diagnosed with an eye disease for which there is not a cure and which doctors say will eventually cause total blindness.  I can choose to worry about his future or I can choose to think about the amazing research being done around the world to help with this disease.  I can choose to think about my big God that I serve that cares about even the little, tiny sparrows in the air and who has counted all of the grains of sand on the earth, and what HE WILL do for my son.  I also focus on all of the things that he will be able to accomplish- with or without his vision.

Our perspective in life will determine our life path.  If we are constantly negative, worried, pessimistic, all of those worries, negative and pessimistic thoughts will certainly come to fruition. However, if we are hopeful, faithful and optimistic, the fruit from that thinking will be plentiful in our lives. 

Facecrack

Have you ever noticed that the logo for Facebook is the word "Facebook" in all white. It is beaming and set in a sky blue background. It essentially looks like a cloud in the sky, or could it be like a god in the sky?

They say we spend our money, time, our energy on the things we value the most-or the things we worship. I don't think the master minds over at Facebook would have a problem with the fact that many of us worship the social networking site to a certain extent. 

I personally plan to "worship" Facebook less this year and spend my time and energy on the much more valuable things, activities and people in my life. Of course, no offense to the many friends I have that never contact me in person but often on FB.  I mean no offense, and I love to keep in touch with all of these great people but I do hope to have more personal,  human contact this year.

Who's with me?