Kick Tim to the curb, girl.

We only tend to remember certain experiences in life. The “stand out” moments. The absolute best times and the worst times- the times we wish we could forget.  Today, in the hopes that a young, single person may read this and take a second thought on some things they have been seeing in their relationship, I am sharing a terrible dating experience. Or, maybe, you are in a long-term relationship, even married to someone, where there are some horrible things happening, but you have not quite figured out what to do yet or how to handle it.  If you fall into either of these categories, I hope my story captures your heart and helps you see that you deserve better and that you should take the necessary steps to get help or simply get out.

In my early 20s, when Harmony was a little over a year old, I started dating a man named “Tim”.  I do not recall how we met.  I just remember that I was impressed with his bravado. He had a pretty smile, big muscles, drove a Range Rover (not sure why I pretended to really care about his car at the time!), and seemed like a very nice guy.  I feel strange even writing these things since I’m a happily married woman who has never directly written about another man, but painting the entire picture here is important. 

As our relationship progressed, I started to see some character flaws in Tim that I disregarded as simple, human mistakes. I mean, we all make them, and no one is perfect, right?  The problem is, I was not thinking clearly enough because my brain was fogged due to the fact that we were in a sexual relationship.  Even if you are not a Christian, I think most would agree that our minds become muddled when we are sexually involved with someone.  It is like our pleasure and/or romantic responses override a part of our rational thought.  The problem with my brain fog at that time was that I could not see that his flaws were huge red flags.  They were problems not to be ignored and I should have noticed them if I truly wanted to protect myself and my daughter.

I started realizing that Tim was not only a charmer, but he was lying often. They were little “white” lies, that did not seem like too big of a deal, like lying about how much he spent at the grocery store, for example.  Deep down, the lies bothered me. I started to worry there was more about him that I did not know and feared that he was not actually the good person that I really thought he was and needed him to be.

At one point, I was taking 21 credit hours during a semester, as well as working full time.  My fellow college students and graduates understand that this is a huge workload for any person, but especially for a single mother.  The average credit load is 15 per semester. I was overwhelmed and exhausted. I would often complain to him, as we tend to do in our romantic relationships. We just want our partner to show empathy and concern.  After all, I am a “words of affirmation” girl, so I needed that support from him.  One afternoon, I was having a moment of frustration over my heavy workload and venting to him.  Instead of showing care and concern, he stated that I should be able to handle it all, should not be complaining, as he once took 75 credits during a term.  This was not a little white lie. This was a hilariously, pathetic, impossible lie.  In that moment, I was astounded at his audacity.  I was hurt and confused about what kind of man I was with. 

Current Lyrica is yelling in the past to young Lyrica saying get the hell out of there! If he can lie about this, what other huge things could he be lying about?! 

I did ask him at the time for proof of his degree because I was really questioning if he ever even went to college after that lie.  He eventually produced what appeared to be a fake diploma from the University of Oregon. This is sad and laughable to me now.  Instead of ending the relationship, I decided to investigate.  I called the U of O admissions department and asked whether Tim had been a student there.  The woman on the other line stated it went against policy to discuss current or past students with me, but, after I gave her my “woman to woman” sob story about what was going on, she caved and told me they had never had a student attend or graduate from there with his name.

Sadly, that was still not enough for me at the time to end the relationship.  Looking back, I do not understand my thought process back then, but I am guessing I was still trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but he clearly did not deserve it. 

The final straw was when he stole money from me.  He ended up stealing $200 from me. It might as well have been a million dollars at that time, as I was a broke, single mother on welfare. Literally. 

When I found out he had stolen money from me, I asked him to leave, and we were in a heated argument- yelling in each other’s faces. He picked me up and whispered under his breath that he did not want to hurt me, and set me back down on the ground. I knew at that moment that it could only get worse from there.  Had I stayed in the relationship, more than likely, it would have progressed into a physically abusive relationship, which I knew for the first time in the moment he picked me up and had to hold himself back from throwing me into the wall.

I had to call the police that day to get him to leave. As the policeman chaperoned, Tim walked around my apartment gathering his belongings- including the television he purchased, which was my only TV at the time. It was Christmastime, so he also took all the gifts from under the tree that he had purchased for me and Harmony. 

Ladies and gentlemen, I beg you to answer this question for me. Why do we see big signs about horrible character flaws in others but ignore them initially or try to look past them? Yes, forgiveness is important, and we all make mistakes, but when others show us who they really are, as cliché as it sounds, we MUST believe them.  How can we complain to God about the state of our lives when we choose to be with people that are making our lives miserable?!

Just stop.  Stop it.  Either get therapy together and demand improvement, or end the relationship. You do not need that person. You will be just fine.