Unexpected Miracle

 

I’ve felt it since I was a little girl. It always caused stomach pains and headaches. I could feel my fear- anxiety- at an early age and it affected me strongly.  I could not comprehend at that time that my anxiety of being sexually abused at the time was literally causing stomach pains. I figured I just had a sensitive stomach, and so did everyone else.  My parents would regularly take me to the doctor to get me checked out, to see if we could get treatment.  Even my dad, who was the one abusing me, seemed to be concerned about my stomach, and he could not put two and two together.  As an educated woman who has lived long enough and now learned about emotions and their impact on our bodies, I can clearly correlate my stomach/digestion problems as a child to the abuse I was experiencing at the time.   

As I grew up, I continued to experience extreme anxiety.  In college, when I was a single mom, it was especially bad. I felt at times that I might, literally die from anxiety. I knew it was also impacting my physical health and that it could someday actually cause significant heart issues.  I have worked out, gone to church, and worked on getting enough sleep, all in an effort to ease my anxiety. However, I always felt that it was just who I was- an anxious person- and it was something that I ultimately just had to live with.

This all changed one day in church.  We had been attending our new church for several weeks at the time. This church is different from the rest. The pastor actually listens to the Holy Spirit and allows the spirit to lead the services, or “gatherings” as they call it at our church.  It is exciting and inspiring.  Since we have been attending there, I have become closer with and more knowledgeable of God. 

One Sunday morning, right after one of the worship songs, Pastor Kris announced that he thought there was someone in the room with debilitating anxiety.  He said the anxiety was causing nightmares and was completely overwhelming.  I instantly become emotional, and thankful, as I knew he was speaking to me.  I had recently been promoted at work at the time and was completely overwhelmed and consumed with anxiety. I so desperately wanted to feel better, but did not realize it was possible.  “If that’s you, God wants to heal you today.”  “If you believe God can heal you, place both of your hands on your head right now and I’m going to pray for you.”  I knew in that moment that the Lord was specifically referring to me in that room and I was ready to be healed. The instant I put my hands on my head and we started praying, I immediately felt the spirit move through my body. It was an electric feeling that started at the top of my head and traveled down to my legs.  I immediately started crying.  They were not tears of sadness, but it felt as though the anxiety was literally washing away with my tears.  I knew in that moment that I was being healed- that God was doing a miracle.  I also immediately felt an all-consuming, unexplainable peace. I felt like a new person in that moment.

As I was driving home after church, I thought to myself that I was excited about the new me, but a part of me also wondered if this feeling would stick. I wondered if I would feel that same normal anxiousness driving into work the next morning that I always felt.  I believe that it is totally natural and human for us to question God sometimes.  God’s word tells us about Thomas, who walked beside Jesus and still questioned the resurrection until he could see the proof with his own eyes.   I believe Jesus gives this insight into human character by telling us about Thomas.  It is ok to question and to wonder.  We would not be human if we didn’t.  Even after a miracle, it’s ok to wonder if it is real.  We are human, after all, and God created us to be inquisitive. He also created us to trust, so once we’ve started questioning, it is important to redirect ourselves to a place of trusting God, even if it is hard to do.

To this day, almost seven months later, I can honestly tell you that God truly did heal me of my anxiety that day.  I no longer drive to work each day with an overwhelming feeling of dread and worry, worried about what the day may bring and whether I will do a good job as a leader.  Do I worry sometimes and have moments of anxiety during the day?  Ff course! A certain amount of anxiety is healthy, as it keeps us motivated to work hard.  However, that all-consuming, debilitating anxiety that I once had, which I had for many, many years, is gone.

I am praising God every day for this miracle.  As small as it may seem to you, it is huge to me.  It is a wonderful example of his amazing love for me. I do not deserve it, but it is there.  He loves me and cares for me each day and he has done the same for you- will do the same for you- if you let him.