Guardrails

Marriage is fun!  It is great having a partner in life, to experience everything with, to teach you about love, and to teach you about yourself.  Marriage is also work. It is hard! It is more difficult than most would imagine and more than most choose to deal with, which is why at least half of all marriages fail.  We generally do not want to put in the work that is required and we struggle with the selflessness that is involved.  A tool to use to protect and fight for your marriage, as well as for any other serious relationship, is the concept of setting up guardrails.  By definition, a guardrail is “a rail that prevents people from falling off or being hit by something” (Google).  We have guardrails on highways where there are steep ravines and sharp curves, to prevent disaster, so why do we not do the same for our relationships?

It is important to have guardrails in place in any relationship, but especially when you are married.  An anonymous source quoted online: “Guardrails: No one needs until they do.”   In relationships, these are the boundaries we put in place to protect our relationship from getting damaged.  They can look different in every relationship but a general example of one is not having any alone time with a person of the opposite sex of whom you are not related.  This means, you choose not to ride alone in a car, go out to eat, or do any other kind of leisurely type of activity with the opposite sex.

As I sit and think about this concept, I am wondering if this is something only Christians talk about or incorporate into their relationships. Do non-Christians believe in and practice this? It would be interesting to take a poll – especially of friends of mine in long term relationships- regarding whether they have these sorts of boundaries for their relationship. 

Having guardrails in place has nothing to do with whether you trust your partner.  It has to do with protecting your spiritual connection and not letting any other spirits try to attack it. This is a deep concept that some people may not agree with or understand but I believe that we are all spirits that happen to have bodies covering us, which is in line with what the word of God says.  The battles we face in life are always spiritual.  The battle to have a loving, lasting marriage is no exception.  In fact, a Christian marriage, in which both partners have a close relationship with God, is especially concerning for the enemy of our souls. He wants to destroy this bond at any chance he can because these two souls together represent the love of God in its essence.

The enemy wants to destroy anything that represents or shows the true love of God so that the world cannot see it- cannot understand- and therefore, so the world will not follow God. 

In 1 Thessalonians (5:22), we read: “Abstain from all appearance of evil.” This can be conceived differently, and it is not like hanging out with someone from the opposite sex is necessarily “evil.” To better understand this verse, it is important to read the rest of the chapter, as it is a letter to the church, telling them how to live and how to be a good example to others.  Essentially, when we hang out with someone like this, aside from the most important issue of your partner possibly worrying about your connection with that person, one of the issues that can arise is that other people may see you and may assume that something inappropriate is happening between the two of you.  Why would you want to even have this be a thought in your spouse’s or in someone else’s mind?  You may be thinking to yourself, why should I worry so much about what other people think?  As Christians, it is important to know that you are to be set apart from the world and that others are watching your example- or lack thereof.  Whether you like it or not, people notice how you are living your life and they judge your character. They may not choose to want to get to know God because of how you act. It is more serious than what some people may try to make you believe. 

Another aspect to consider regarding the concept of guardrails is that you really just want to keep yourself from any possibility of inappropriate conversations or actions on the other person’s part. You can control your own actions, but you, of course, cannot control anyone else’s actions.  So, why even put yourself- and ultimately your spouse- in potential danger? 

All in all, it is just simply a good idea to establish guardrails in your relationship if you want to keep it strong and healthy.  I encourage you to sit down with your spouse and determine what they will look like for your partnership, as they will look different for every couple since every individual has different needs and desires. Once you set them and keep them, you are guaranteed to be much more protected- and you can avoid experiencing relationship ending pain. 

Unexpected Miracle

 

I’ve felt it since I was a little girl. It always caused stomach pains and headaches. I could feel my fear- anxiety- at an early age and it affected me strongly.  I could not comprehend at that time that my anxiety of being sexually abused at the time was literally causing stomach pains. I figured I just had a sensitive stomach, and so did everyone else.  My parents would regularly take me to the doctor to get me checked out, to see if we could get treatment.  Even my dad, who was the one abusing me, seemed to be concerned about my stomach, and he could not put two and two together.  As an educated woman who has lived long enough and now learned about emotions and their impact on our bodies, I can clearly correlate my stomach/digestion problems as a child to the abuse I was experiencing at the time.   

As I grew up, I continued to experience extreme anxiety.  In college, when I was a single mom, it was especially bad. I felt at times that I might, literally die from anxiety. I knew it was also impacting my physical health and that it could someday actually cause significant heart issues.  I have worked out, gone to church, and worked on getting enough sleep, all in an effort to ease my anxiety. However, I always felt that it was just who I was- an anxious person- and it was something that I ultimately just had to live with.

This all changed one day in church.  We had been attending our new church for several weeks at the time. This church is different from the rest. The pastor actually listens to the Holy Spirit and allows the spirit to lead the services, or “gatherings” as they call it at our church.  It is exciting and inspiring.  Since we have been attending there, I have become closer with and more knowledgeable of God. 

One Sunday morning, right after one of the worship songs, Pastor Kris announced that he thought there was someone in the room with debilitating anxiety.  He said the anxiety was causing nightmares and was completely overwhelming.  I instantly become emotional, and thankful, as I knew he was speaking to me.  I had recently been promoted at work at the time and was completely overwhelmed and consumed with anxiety. I so desperately wanted to feel better, but did not realize it was possible.  “If that’s you, God wants to heal you today.”  “If you believe God can heal you, place both of your hands on your head right now and I’m going to pray for you.”  I knew in that moment that the Lord was specifically referring to me in that room and I was ready to be healed. The instant I put my hands on my head and we started praying, I immediately felt the spirit move through my body. It was an electric feeling that started at the top of my head and traveled down to my legs.  I immediately started crying.  They were not tears of sadness, but it felt as though the anxiety was literally washing away with my tears.  I knew in that moment that I was being healed- that God was doing a miracle.  I also immediately felt an all-consuming, unexplainable peace. I felt like a new person in that moment.

As I was driving home after church, I thought to myself that I was excited about the new me, but a part of me also wondered if this feeling would stick. I wondered if I would feel that same normal anxiousness driving into work the next morning that I always felt.  I believe that it is totally natural and human for us to question God sometimes.  God’s word tells us about Thomas, who walked beside Jesus and still questioned the resurrection until he could see the proof with his own eyes.   I believe Jesus gives this insight into human character by telling us about Thomas.  It is ok to question and to wonder.  We would not be human if we didn’t.  Even after a miracle, it’s ok to wonder if it is real.  We are human, after all, and God created us to be inquisitive. He also created us to trust, so once we’ve started questioning, it is important to redirect ourselves to a place of trusting God, even if it is hard to do.

To this day, almost seven months later, I can honestly tell you that God truly did heal me of my anxiety that day.  I no longer drive to work each day with an overwhelming feeling of dread and worry, worried about what the day may bring and whether I will do a good job as a leader.  Do I worry sometimes and have moments of anxiety during the day?  Ff course! A certain amount of anxiety is healthy, as it keeps us motivated to work hard.  However, that all-consuming, debilitating anxiety that I once had, which I had for many, many years, is gone.

I am praising God every day for this miracle.  As small as it may seem to you, it is huge to me.  It is a wonderful example of his amazing love for me. I do not deserve it, but it is there.  He loves me and cares for me each day and he has done the same for you- will do the same for you- if you let him.

Nostalgia

I am dripping with sweat and very thirsty. It has been about 20 minutes, I am pretty sure, but I am almost there.  If I can stay on this lawn chair for just a while longer, I should beat out my brother beside me who seems to be equally sweaty and thirsty. I know I can hold out longer than him.  This is our regular summertime game- the one where we see who can stay on the lawn chair the longest. Before we started the clock, we’d prepare our space with all the snacks, drinks, magazines, books, and whatever else we needed to occupy our time so that we could hold out longer than our competitors. 

I do not even remember what the prize was. Maybe just bragging rights? Either way, the thought of it now cracks me up. It honestly seems very boring, especially for little kids.

We were creative kids.

Our bunk bed was the stage, and we were the actors. My brother, The Prince, would ride into the room on his Star Wars AT- AT Walker to save me, The Princess, from the Evil Witch, my sister.  I loved playing the princess and she equally loved playing the witch. Or maybe it was the other way around? Either way, we were thespians in our own right, and we continue to love performing arts to this day.

My Red Wagon was transformed into a covered wagon by us placing two milk crates on either side and covering the crates with a towel. We would place our dolls inside and take them on a long adventure.  We would even walk all the way to the grocery store a couple times as a group of kids while pulling the wagon.  We decided we really were pioneers and I was Laura Ingalls Wilder. I mean, isn’t this what all Oregonian kids did during the summer?

My best friend, my sister, and I would ride bikes everywhere, but they were not actually bicycles. They were horses. We would ride all day and often pull our “horses” over and give them water from the hose.  We would feed them grass from the yard- because- certainly they were hungry and thirsty from all of that riding around!

We would make mud pies after rainy weather, which was often… because…Oregon. 

I will never forget the Barbie house that my mom and sweet aunt made for my sister and I and our cousins.  They spent hundreds of hours constructing 3-foot-tall houses out of real materials- wood, carpet, tile, and wallpaper.  They made working lights in each room out of Christmas lights. The rooms were designed to be tall enough for the dolls to walk around in them and for all of the furniture to fit easily.  They were master pieces, and we had the privilege of playing with them for several years. 

We would think of anything and everything to fill up our time on those long summer days.

Thinking of these memories causes me to wish we could have those times back again, to a certain extent (minus all the trauma, of course!).  I wish we could have the pre-cell phone life back again. Let’s be honest, kids these days would lose their minds if they tried to compete in the Lawn Chair Game without an electronic device.  As much as I love technology and all that it has helped us with, there is a part of me that wishes we could get back to the days where we did not have to look at a cell phone, tablet, or other device once every 15 to 20 minutes (or more!).   I am determined to help us all with this terrible addiction and distraction.  Let’s get back to seeing each other and spending quality time with each other. I support you in your mission to work on this and I need your support, as well.

We got this!

Shameful

 

I am a pacifist.  I honestly do not understand how people who believe in Jesus like me do not think the same way as I do when it comes to using guns or any weapons- or when it comes to the idea of war, in general.  Isn’t Jesus a pacifist? Did he not say, “blessed are the peacemakers?”  If this is true, why do so many Christians believe in owning and using guns so much? I seriously hate guns.  I hate they even exist.  The only purpose of guns is to cause death. Of course, people use them to disarm and disable people in order for them to be detained, but, for the most part, guns are meant for total destruction and pain. I hate them.  Every single time I hear about another school shooting, I think again about how much I hate guns.  The incident that happened this week in Nashville is no different.  A shooter ended six innocent lives and destroyed countless others this week.  The reports are saying she was transgender and there seems to be a ton of focus on that, but I am wondering what her gender or sexuality has to do with any of this.  It has nothing to do with it.  An old high school friend was interviewed and reported that she was happy in high school and caring and essentially that this was completely out of character. Her parents have reported that she was receiving treatment for a severe mental disorder and that they did not think she owned any guns. 

What is the answer to all of this?  It is difficult to say.  Many Christians will say that we just need to pray, that the world is broken, and that this is the result of that. This is all true; however, we also can- and must- take other actions that would help. Why have we become so complacent as believers that we choose to pray about everything and do nothing else? If we are to pray without ceasing anyway then why are we taking actions on anything at all in general?  Why not just pray for a cup of coffee, rather than pour a cup?  In other words, we should be praying throughout the day anyway, and we take actions along the way based on how we want our day to go.  So, why not act in these moments? In the things that really matter and can make a huge difference in the world?  There is a huge amount of untapped world-changing potential that exists in each of us.  I truly believe we will be held accountable to Jesus in the end, not just for what we did, but also for what we did not do.  For the actions we could have taken that would have helped the world but that we chose not to take.  In this situation, many Christians are choosing to focus on the shooter’s sexuality rather than on what we can and should do about the gun problem in America.  Shame on us. We need to do better.