God's Plan

 

“Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.”- Prov 16: 3

It’s amazing to think of the various plans that I’ve made for my life that have wound up resulting in much different outcomes than I’ve expected.  After my trip to Africa as a teenager, I was convinced that God’s plan for my life was for me to be a counselor for children. I thought that meant I was either going to be an LPC or a school counselor. I would end up earning a master’s degree in 2009 in school counseling and worked as an elementary school counselor for two years.  I believed I was serving my “purpose” and walking in line with God’s will for my life. 

During that time, however, my husband and I became more and more dissatisfied with our living situation. Living as an interracial family in Central Oregon, where there were not many Black people at all, was not the most comfortable set up.  In fact, when I was in high school, we had maybe two Black students out of the entire student population.  It was frustrating having to deal with the stares and the subtlety racist comments on an almost daily basis.  My husband grew up in Alabama, and the first – and only- time he has ever been called the “n-word” was in my hometown.

We decided we wanted more for our family.  We wanted to raise our children in a culturally diverse environment, where there were more like-minded people. We wanted them to have more educational opportunities and to be able to see more of the world.  Most importantly, we wanted to move closer to my in-laws, who were very loving and supportive parents and grandparents.  Not to mention, we also wanted to move to an area where the cost of living was much more reasonable. We therefore decided to move to the South. 

In 2010, we ended up moving to North Carolina, which is where I received an offer. It was a great job- working for the federal government, but I simply just saw it as a “job” at that time, as I “knew” I would eventually return to school counseling.  I needed to move to the new State first, get my family settled, then learn about the credentialing requirements and work towards those.  However, after only a brief time of working in NC, I knew that I would not be able to return quickly to my prior profession, as the government work paid much better and was therefore best for my family.  My husband was still working on building up his career and working towards what he wanted to do, so it was the responsible thing for me to stay where I was.  I started feeling angry about the decision, and feeling as if I was not doing what God wanted me to do with my life.  Even though I made the choice to not return to counseling, I was resentful and blamed Mose.  After eight years of doing this work, which I felt was not my purpose, I decided that I wanted to look into going into leadership.  I applied for a competitive leadership development program at work.  I knew that if I did not make it into that program, I would return to school counseling, regardless of whether I would have to take a pay cut.  Long story short, I would be accepted into that program, which spearheaded my leadership journey.  I was promoted to a supervisor position within two years, and I was promoted again to be the office Director another three years later. 

I have never felt more fulfilled or happy than I do now in my current position.  I am able to be a positive leader each day. I look for opportunities to encourage our employees regularly, and make beneficial decisions for our office.  I use my counseling skills often.  I truly believe I am serving my purpose and in a place where I can use my skills to the utmost capacity.

You may be in a season where you do not feel as though you are serving your purpose.  It may be that you are on a stepping stone towards the ultimate plan for your life, so you are actually following the plan. It takes time to get where you want to be, so patience is key. One thing we need to always remember is that our purpose is actually to love and serve others (John 13:34).  Whenever we are doing these, we are serving our purpose.  We spend so much time worrying about what our “purpose” is and whether we are walking in it, but we fail to see that when we are fulfilling God’s primary tasks for us, that we are doing just that.  It looks different for each of us because we each have different skillsets and experiences that lead us in different directions, but there is no right or wrong way.  Let go of that guilt and worry, friends!  Stay the course and focus on building up your own personal skills.  You are heading down the right path towards what God has in store for you. 

He Came for Me- Part 2

I was very drunk at a party and was hanging out with a guy. I started to black out at certain points, but at some point, he took me to a back room and wanted to have sex.  I would tell him I didn’t want to because I knew that I wasn’t ready.  Even as I was very drunk, I knew that I did not want to have sex with someone that I just met.  I was going in and out of full consciousness and remember waking up in different rooms, where he was having sex with me.  I remember him whispering certain things to me while it was happening that people say during consensual sex and I remember feeling confused as to why he was saying those things, as if I was going along with what was happening. The night was mostly a blur, but the parts that were clear were traumatic. 

That experience made me realize that my “friends” would not always look out for me. Where were they that night? Why did they not come for me and get me away from him?  I had one friend that eventually called me that evening to check in on me and she took me to the hospital where they completed a rape kit. 

I slowed down attending parties after that, but, sadly, it still did not cause me to stop partying completely.  In fact, the next weekend, I ran into the same guy at a different party. He apparently had heard that I went to the hospital that night.  He walked up to me and asked me if I was ok and claimed that he thought I was “into it” and he did not think he forced me into anything I did not want to do.  I ended up not pressing charges against him because I was worried about having to see him at school or dealing with the aftermath of that at school.  He transferred to a different school the following year. 

I am certainly not saying that what happened to me was my fault. However, I do believe that I made very dangerous decisions that night, such as drinking far too much alcohol and leaving my friends, which put me in a vulnerable position. 

After that happened, I continued to make poor choices and my life continued on the downward spiral.  I got pregnant by a man I was dating.  After cancelling our wedding because he was cheating on me, I ended up breaking up with him and having to move back to Central Oregon to live with my parents. I lost a ton of weight because I was so depressed and working out all the time to avoid my thoughts.

But, then, Jesus came for me.  He was actually with me the entire time I was going through all of this. One day, for whatever reason, I realized that he was with me. He knew that I would experience all these things because of the choices I made.  Even though I felt far from God at that time, he was right beside me.  I was the lamb that ran away from the flock, and he came back to scoop me up.  I was important to him, even when I felt unloved and unimportant. I asked him for forgiveness, and I knew that I was forgiven.  I started going back to church and making healthier choices for my life. I enrolled in college classes at Oregon State- Cascades campus, got an apartment for myself and my daughter, and eventually finished my degree.  I was hired at the Boys & Girls Club and worked there during college, which felt like ministry every day. I loved the work I did there with those kids. I spent each day showing them God’s love through my actions and by being there for them each day.  It felt like a gift and an honor to work there while supporting myself and my daughter at the same time.

Have I continued to make bad decisions in my life after going through all of that?  Of course.  I have made uncountable mistakes in my life since that time.  After every mistake and rough patch, though, the crook of my Shepherd has grabbed my little stubborn neck and directed me back to safety.  He continues to come for me after each time I get myself into trouble. I trust that he will guide me back to safety because he said that he would.  The wiser I have become, the closer I have remained to him, and therefore I have made less serious mistakes.  If I keep my eyes on him, I will be less likely to stray.  In fact, I never want to feel the pain that I’ve felt each time I’ve made life altering mistakes in my life again. I would like to just remain comfortable, stay with the flock, with Jesus, and stay away from the trouble.  I will continue to do my best and do just that.  However, I know that if I fall again, he will be right there to scoop me up.  

Friends, I am not special or any different from you.  We all make choices that hurt us and sometimes even alter our lives completely- or we are negatively affected by other’s choices.  Jesus wants us to know that he is with us, even in the darkest times of our lives.  He is there, waiting to take your hand and help you walk away from it.  To walk you back into safety and security.  Will you let God scoop you up?

He Came for Me- Part 1

 Matthew 18:12-14- “What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off.  In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should perish.”

I grew up in a Christian household where our parents raised us to believe in Jesus. Of course, we had our problems as a family, and they (especially my dad) certainly did not always live as perfect Christian examples. Nonetheless, we were raised Christian. I grew up attending mostly non-denominational churches, attending two services a week for many years. I would attend Christian camps as a young adult during the summer, as well as went on mission trips around the world in my teens.  It was only natural that I would want to attend a Christian college and, as a Senior in high school, I looked forward to attending Western Baptist College in the fall. 

My freshman year at WBC was nice.  I made a couple of friends, took my classes seriously- although my worst grade was in my Bible class ironically.  I worked a part-time job for a financial planning firm, where I primarily made “cold calls” to prospective clients. The job was uncomfortable, to say the least. I had to sound excited to invite random people that I found in the phone book to financial planning seminars. I knew nothing about financial planning, finances, or anything about money in general, really. All I knew about money was that I needed more of it, and I could not wait to be done with school, working in a full-time career job so that I could be financially secure. 

Maybe about halfway through my freshman year, I became restless at that school. I felt like I was missing out on the college party scene- the experience that I would see so often in the movies.  I wanted to have fun. The term we use for how I was feeling at that time in Christianlandia (I think I just made that word up) is “rebellious.”  I had been the “good, Christian” girl for so long and wanted to let loose.  I felt like I was missing out. 

I made up my mind to attend a public college the next year and ended up being accepted into Portland State University.  The campus was right in the center of downtown Portland, Oregon. I have always loved the vibe, the energy of big cities. I love the people, the diverse cultures, the food, the art, and the music. I just love it all.  Portland was the perfect place for me. Soon after starting at PSU, I began to attend parties with my roommates and with other new friends I had made. I would get drunk every time. Looking back on those years now, I see how dangerous my behavior was.  I just felt at the time that everyone around me would look out for me and that even if I would get ridiculously drunk, I would be safe. 

One night would change everything. 

To be continued….

Turn, Turn, Turn

 

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up, a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to throw away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.” Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

 Our time here on earth is so precious. Every little moment is important and should be treated as such. I had the opportunity last week to run into an older gentleman- probably aged 70 years or so- at the sandwich shop across from the Market House during my lunch break.  I first noticed him as he was walking into the shop and I was seated at an outdoor table, enjoying the sunshine and the people watching. He was humming and singing the 1990’s hip hop group TLC’s “Don’t go chasing waterfalls,” which made me smile.  After he came back out of the shop, he was still singing. I looked at him, smiled, and we made eye contact.  He said hello and we proceeded to engage in about a 30-minute unexpected conversation.  He told me all about his thoughts about the history of Fayetteville. Having been born and raised here, he understood the history of the Market House and the political aspects of whether it should stay or go. He is on team “keep the Market House,” although, he believes the city should do a better job of explaining its true historical roots- which is that it was used for slave auctions in the past. “I can tell you, there are two buildings that will never go away in Fayetteville,” he confidently stated. “The Market House and the jailhouse.” I assumed he meant the newer jail that is downtown, but he meant the old jail building, which now currently houses the Fascinate- U Children’s Museum, which is directly across from the Market House.  He also explained there was a tunnel underground from which they would transport slaves, which lead from the jail to the Market House.  That was a fact that I simply had not heard before.

It was fascinating speaking with this gentleman.  He was kind, full of wisdom, as well as filled with pride for his city- all of its flaws and all.  He spoke about his family- especially his grandson- and said he was a skilled athlete, who played football, baseball, and the video game Fortnite.  As I also have a son around the same age, I understood what he meant by being proud of the Fortnite skills. These kids can make actual money from playing that game! I get it. 

As I was walking away from this sweet man, I felt extremely lucky to have had the conversation with him.  I honestly wished I could have recorded it. It felt like an honor to hear his version of the history of our community, as his version is just as important as anyone else’s. 

I wish we would all take the time to sit down and learn from the elders in our communities. We need to record their version of history and compile their stories.  I fear that we take it for granted they are with us, as we often do not take the opportunity to sit down with them. It becomes too late, they pass away, and we have missed our chance.  I encourage you to take the time to sit down with your grandparents if they are still with us.  Listen to their stories and record them.  Of all my regrets from choices that I’ve made in my life, not having written down the stories my grandparents once told me is one of my highest.  It is so very extremely important, and we are missing it.  When my time comes to leave this earth and I do not want to think about the fact that I spent all day on frivolous distractions and hardly any time communicating with loved ones or with people in my community, which could have made more of an impact on my life. 

I challenge you today to make that phone call, start-up that conversation with a stranger. Ask questions and take notes. You will want to remember, and they will have plenty to share.  After all, this season will pass, and you do not want to miss it or have any regrets.

Kick Tim to the curb, girl.

We only tend to remember certain experiences in life. The “stand out” moments. The absolute best times and the worst times- the times we wish we could forget.  Today, in the hopes that a young, single person may read this and take a second thought on some things they have been seeing in their relationship, I am sharing a terrible dating experience. Or, maybe, you are in a long-term relationship, even married to someone, where there are some horrible things happening, but you have not quite figured out what to do yet or how to handle it.  If you fall into either of these categories, I hope my story captures your heart and helps you see that you deserve better and that you should take the necessary steps to get help or simply get out.

In my early 20s, when Harmony was a little over a year old, I started dating a man named “Tim”.  I do not recall how we met.  I just remember that I was impressed with his bravado. He had a pretty smile, big muscles, drove a Range Rover (not sure why I pretended to really care about his car at the time!), and seemed like a very nice guy.  I feel strange even writing these things since I’m a happily married woman who has never directly written about another man, but painting the entire picture here is important. 

As our relationship progressed, I started to see some character flaws in Tim that I disregarded as simple, human mistakes. I mean, we all make them, and no one is perfect, right?  The problem is, I was not thinking clearly enough because my brain was fogged due to the fact that we were in a sexual relationship.  Even if you are not a Christian, I think most would agree that our minds become muddled when we are sexually involved with someone.  It is like our pleasure and/or romantic responses override a part of our rational thought.  The problem with my brain fog at that time was that I could not see that his flaws were huge red flags.  They were problems not to be ignored and I should have noticed them if I truly wanted to protect myself and my daughter.

I started realizing that Tim was not only a charmer, but he was lying often. They were little “white” lies, that did not seem like too big of a deal, like lying about how much he spent at the grocery store, for example.  Deep down, the lies bothered me. I started to worry there was more about him that I did not know and feared that he was not actually the good person that I really thought he was and needed him to be.

At one point, I was taking 21 credit hours during a semester, as well as working full time.  My fellow college students and graduates understand that this is a huge workload for any person, but especially for a single mother.  The average credit load is 15 per semester. I was overwhelmed and exhausted. I would often complain to him, as we tend to do in our romantic relationships. We just want our partner to show empathy and concern.  After all, I am a “words of affirmation” girl, so I needed that support from him.  One afternoon, I was having a moment of frustration over my heavy workload and venting to him.  Instead of showing care and concern, he stated that I should be able to handle it all, should not be complaining, as he once took 75 credits during a term.  This was not a little white lie. This was a hilariously, pathetic, impossible lie.  In that moment, I was astounded at his audacity.  I was hurt and confused about what kind of man I was with. 

Current Lyrica is yelling in the past to young Lyrica saying get the hell out of there! If he can lie about this, what other huge things could he be lying about?! 

I did ask him at the time for proof of his degree because I was really questioning if he ever even went to college after that lie.  He eventually produced what appeared to be a fake diploma from the University of Oregon. This is sad and laughable to me now.  Instead of ending the relationship, I decided to investigate.  I called the U of O admissions department and asked whether Tim had been a student there.  The woman on the other line stated it went against policy to discuss current or past students with me, but, after I gave her my “woman to woman” sob story about what was going on, she caved and told me they had never had a student attend or graduate from there with his name.

Sadly, that was still not enough for me at the time to end the relationship.  Looking back, I do not understand my thought process back then, but I am guessing I was still trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but he clearly did not deserve it. 

The final straw was when he stole money from me.  He ended up stealing $200 from me. It might as well have been a million dollars at that time, as I was a broke, single mother on welfare. Literally. 

When I found out he had stolen money from me, I asked him to leave, and we were in a heated argument- yelling in each other’s faces. He picked me up and whispered under his breath that he did not want to hurt me, and set me back down on the ground. I knew at that moment that it could only get worse from there.  Had I stayed in the relationship, more than likely, it would have progressed into a physically abusive relationship, which I knew for the first time in the moment he picked me up and had to hold himself back from throwing me into the wall.

I had to call the police that day to get him to leave. As the policeman chaperoned, Tim walked around my apartment gathering his belongings- including the television he purchased, which was my only TV at the time. It was Christmastime, so he also took all the gifts from under the tree that he had purchased for me and Harmony. 

Ladies and gentlemen, I beg you to answer this question for me. Why do we see big signs about horrible character flaws in others but ignore them initially or try to look past them? Yes, forgiveness is important, and we all make mistakes, but when others show us who they really are, as cliché as it sounds, we MUST believe them.  How can we complain to God about the state of our lives when we choose to be with people that are making our lives miserable?!

Just stop.  Stop it.  Either get therapy together and demand improvement, or end the relationship. You do not need that person. You will be just fine. 

Be Like LeBron

 

“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

Sometimes God gives us tasks that we do not feel confident to do. We do not feel as though we are skilled in that area and we wonder why he called us to do it.  I feel this way often about my writing.  I just do not feel as though I am a good writer.  I listen to a ton of audio books, podcasts, and read books, and I typically conclude while I am doing so that I am not as good of a writer as the folks that wrote them.  My grammar- how I communicate with others- isn’t the best, and it often translates into my writing.

I was reading from the book of Ecclesiastes this morning. The scholars believe that King Solomon wrote the book. He was a much better writer than I.  I am trying to improve and working on it, but the fact remains that I will just never be like Jane Austen, Toni Morrison or J. K. Rowling.  Nonetheless, I am sticking with it.  I am going to tell my story because it will help someone else.  Even if my story helps just one person, it will be worth the time spent.  Please do not look at this piece as a pity party or a way for me to get compliments from my blog readers.  It is simply the truth. It is truly how I feel sometimes. 

However, I also know that feeling of uncertainty, the lack of confidence that I feel, is coming from the enemy. It is a way to try to cause me to stop writing and not share what God has done in my life.  How often do we stop what we are doing because of fear?  If we know that we are doing something God has called us to do, instead of stopping, we should continue to work on it.  Continue to practice until we improve our skills to the point where our confidence has strengthened. Push through that fear and never quit.

My husband is a huge LeBron James fan. Of course, he is watching the NBA playoffs right now and seeing all the amazing shots he has been making.  Imagine if Mr. James felt insecure one day about a bad shot that he made, so he decided to quit practicing- or even playing basketball- all together.  How crazy would that be?  I know it’s an extreme example, as he is arguably the best basketball player of all time.  I am sure he has felt insecurity and fear at different points in his career- especially early on.  Thankfully, he did not let those feelings get to him or allow them to take over to the point where he stopped working on his craft.  Because of the many hours he has spent, and because of never giving up, he has far exceeded every other basketball player in the world.  

Do you remember the song “I wanna be like Mike” that we used to sing about Michael Jordan? Why have we not made a song for LeBron?  I need my creative friends to get on it!  But, I digress…

I am writing this to encourage you today.  What are you afraid of? What is stopping you from pursuing your goals and dreams?  Do you worry you are not good enough?  Not skilled enough?  Not smart, or pretty or handsome enough? Do not let the enemy of our souls stop you from making the impact in the world that you were meant to make.  Instead of listening to the negative thoughts, get to work, get focused on what you need to do, and just do it.  Ask God for strength to continue if that is what you need.  Ask him for confidence when you are lacking it.  Do not stop and do not let fear or lies take over or distract you from what you are here – only for a short time- to accomplish. 

43

I celebrated my 43^rd birthday last week.  Birthdays are a great time to do a self-check to analyze where you have been, where you are, and where you are going.  I see birthdays as my own personal new year celebration and as a great time of reflection.  Each year, I set my personal and professional goals for the upcoming year and this year was no different.  This year was special, as I was in Washington DC with my husband.  I was able to spend time writing and reflecting while sitting near some of the beautiful national monuments and while surrounded by thousands of excited and inspired tourists and locals.  As I contemplated the years I have experienced so far, I realized there are certain things I have learned about life that mean the most to me that I would like to share.  Perhaps they will be helpful to you in your journey.

About Love-

Our culture is saturated with it in its various forms.  We can never have too much of it. We all seek it, and we are constantly looking for perfect love.  We often feel disappointed because the only perfect love that we will ever find comes from God.  Our friends, family, and romantic partners will always let us down- no matter what.  No matter how perfect you think you may have it in any given relationship, since not one person is perfect, the love we share between one another will never be.  It is a fact that many would like to pretend is not real.  As they pretend, they expect perfection daily from their loved ones, which causes huge problems and ultimately destroys many relationships. When we do not find what we are looking for, which is unattainable, we give up and we look for a different person with the hopes the new person will be able to meet our expectations.  The thing about perfect love is that it casts out fear, as God’s word tells us. Therefore, since we cannot find perfect love with others, there will always be fear in our relationships.  Once we trust the Lord with our relationships, we will be more likely to stay committed to them when it is appropriate to do so- not in cases of abuse or true toxicity.  Ultimately, what is most important, is to continuously work on ourselves and on self-improvement. Once we are better as individuals, our relationships will improve.

On Raising Kids-

We raise our kids according to how we were raised- either mirroring the ways we were parented, or by choosing to do things differently.  We expect ourselves to be perfect in parenting, but that also is unattainable.  We are too harsh on ourselves when we make mistakes and we make them often, so we tend to live in this perpetual state of hoping, wondering, and worrying that we are doing right by our children.  It does not have to be this way! We need to give ourselves so much more grace and forgiveness and really start to look at ourselves the way God does- with adoration and respect.  My own mother put it perfectly to me when I was pregnant at the young age of 20 and worried about how I would do as a mother.  She said, “As Paul McCartney once said, all you need is love.”  These were the best words of advice I could have ever had at that moment, and 23 years later, they still ring true. 

On Health-

It is such a struggle to stay healthy; especially to find a good balance of enjoying rich and tasty foods and still remaining healthy.  I have worried about my health and maintaining proper nutrition and exercise throughout much of my life.  At this point, I realize that it is truly a balance that we must find.  We cannot spend all day every day eating and drinking whatever we want and never exercise.  Our bodies need proper nutrition, exercise, and rest and we cannot have any of these if we eat and drink whatever we want.  At the same time, we should stop obsessing over food and our bodies to the point where we are consumed with worrying about whether we are doing enough.  It is all about finding a good balance. Eat rich, sweet, savory foods from time to time, but also eat fruits, vegetables, and legumes regularly.  Do not think you need to jog a marathon each month, but do try to spend at least 30 minutes, 4 to 5 times per week exercising.  Spend less time being distracted by meaningless things and more time on your own health, and you will enjoy a much longer, more wonderful life. 

Regarding Time-

It is very limited.  We live each day as if we have plenty of it, but it is never promised.  We are here for a blink of time, yet we waste so much of our lives doing meaningless things.  We should try to do at least one important thing each day, to make our time here count.  Of most importance is to love others.  It seems simple, but the truth is that we are here to show love to others and if we do that each day, we are living as God intended and in line with his will.  Love looks differently to each one of us, as I wrote above, but genuine love is putting others before yourself.  Showing love each day, even if it may seem uncomfortable to you in the moment, is crucial to our existence.  It is impossible for us to get it right each day, but if we strive for this, the world will be so much better, overall.

I encourage each of you to look at these aspects of life and do a self-check to determine where you are at in each area or to even understand what you believe about each one.  I can assure you that what you believe about these areas, as well as other important aspects of life, will determine the trajectory of your life.  I wish you all nothing but the best.  Here is to year 43! May I live fully, accomplish my goals, and, most importantly, may I love others the best way possible.