The Greatest

 I have been dealing with a lot of stress lately.  While God did heal my overwhelming anxiety overall, I still feel some increased stress and worry at times, due to situations that pop up.  I have also been feeling really distracted lately. There is just simply too much to do all the time and I have been feeling the weight of it all lately.  It causes me to shut down, which causes problems because I am not completing all the tasks that I need to.  I have not been feeling like I am managing it all well and have felt discouraged about myself and my flaws. 

It is by no coincidence that I was reading the book of Matthew this morning and turned to Chapter 18.   After his disciples asked which people were the greatest in the kingdom of heaven, Jesus explained to his disciples in this chapter that children were the greatest people in the kingdom and that we must become like them to enter heaven.  I have heard this verse throughout my life but after rereading it this morning, my mind was a little blown.  We need to think deeply about what this means if we are interested in entering heaven. 

What are the characteristics of children?  What is it about them that makes them special?  Well, for one, they are trusting.  Even after being hurt, they trust those caring for them will protect them.  They easily forgive and move on quickly.  Children are also giving and compassionate.  They will see another child- or even adult- in need and will naturally want to help them.  They are optimistic.  More often than not, they choose to think about the bright side of things and believe that everything will work out in the end.  They are also playful and imaginative.  They spend lots of time playing, having fun, and making up fun situations and stories.  Almost anything is possible for a child. If they have an idea, they truly believe that it can come true. 

In their natural state, unless we have harmed them to the point where they have become hardened and forced to grow up too fast, children exhibit all these characteristics and more.  So, in essence, we need to exhibit these characteristics, as well.  I can tell you that I need to work on all these things!  I am often pessimistic, for example.  I am not playful enough.  I do not trust God enough at times, which causes me to be fearful and uncomfortable.

May the Lord help us all to become more like children.  If we want this for ourselves, if we want to enter the kingdom of heaven- here on earth- or in the spiritual realm once we die- we must pray and ask God to help us to have these characteristics.  As busy adults, it will require us to slow down, remove distractions, and focus on God, our families, and others.  If this sounds daunting to you, take baby steps towards this.  Take one bite out of the elephant, as they say, and do not try to eat the whole thing at once.  Turn off your cell at 8 p.m. each night and spend time reading a book or the Bible from 8 to 9, instead.  Plan to call or get together with one friend once a week to establish and take care of your relationships.  Start volunteering for an organization that has a cause that is dear to your heart.  There are many things that you can do to develop more childlike characteristics, and these are just a few of them.  I encourage you to think about what this means to you.  I am sure that I missed several characteristics that you may be thinking of. Write them down, decide which ones resonate the best with you, and create a plan to work on that for yourself.   I know that I am craving that childlike freedom and carefree mindset, and I am going to ask God daily to help me with this.  Life is too short.  Let’s all get back to the basics and be like children as much as possible! 

Speak Life

 I was listening to the Toby Mac song “Speak Life” this morning on the radio while driving. It is a great song that talks about the importance of speaking positively in tough situations in your life and others' lives and how important it is to speak life, rather than speak negatively about our situations or others.  The Bible has many references to the power of the tongue.  Colossians 4:6 says, “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”  James 3:9 says,” With the tongue, we praise our Lord and Father, and with it, we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness.”  I often say negative things jokingly, but I realize that when we say things out loud, they are in the atmosphere, and we can never take them back. 

This makes me think about one of my best friends.  She is someone who constantly speaks positively to others- no matter the situation.  Sometimes it can be annoying, but that is only when I am selfishly trying to wallow in my frustration and enjoy feeling sorry for myself if I am being honest. Isn’t it true that we often want to sit in our frustration and not try to work to feel happier?  We complain about our troubles, but we do not work to feel better about our situation. We do not choose to think positively or speak positively, which only causes us to stay where we are and not progress toward better life circumstances.   We often make fun of the positive people in our lives and might think they are a little naïve; however, if you really think about it, it is much more difficult to choose to stay positive. Those people in our lives like my friend who always says positive things, even during the tough times, are working harder than us if we really think about it.  We all see the stickers, billboards, and license plates that say, “Choose Happiness” and it truly is a choice to be happy and to remain positive. 

I am going through a tough situation in my marriage.  My husband and I are in a disagreement about something that I will keep private for him, but which is really upsetting to me on a deep level.   I have a choice to make about it.  I can choose to see things in a positive light, as best as possible, or I can choose to remain upset, closed off, and not try to work it out with him.  It would be much easier emotionally to do the latter, as it takes no work to sit in my pain and frustration.  Do not get me wrong, you should never stay in an abusive situation, and what I am going through is not abuse.  I am just talking about situations that can eventually be worked out, as long as you remain positive and talk things out with your partner/whoever the relationship is with where you have an issue.  The problem for most of us is that choosing happiness and positivity takes work, and it takes time.  Generally speaking, most of us are lazy and impatient (see, there I go being negative!), so we are unwilling to do the work that is required to repair our relationships.  I encourage you today to choose happiness and to speak positively into your own life and into others’ lives today. Maybe have a goal to go one full day without saying anything negative and see how it impacts your day.  I promise to try it if you will. 😊 Love you!

MJ the Musical

 I think God creates some people on Earth who are talented beyond measure just to teach us about our gifts and the possibilities that are available if we pursue our talents. My husband, son, and I went to see MJ the Musical the other day at the Durham Performing Arts Center (DPAC).  It was an incredible show that took us on a beautiful journey through Michael Jackson’s one-of-a-kind life.  Mose and Cinco wore the red jacket with tons of zippers from the Beat It video and received lots of attention for those jackets. People loved the jackets!  I wore a Rhythm Nation-style outfit to represent one of my favorite Jackson family members.  We had a blast. The whole experience really got me to think about MJ’s life and how it truly was an example for us all. 

Michael was a talented singer from childhood, so his skill was there early on.  His parents noticed and encouraged his skills.  They would often take MJ and his brothers around to different venues to perform.  The narrative presented to us is that Joseph Jackson, his father, was an abusive, controlling, man who forced the children to perform, even harshly directing them to continue when they were tired, as if he were a military captain.  I know MJ did speak about his father in a negative light, so the stories are likely true.  However, I think it is important to note that a huge part of Michael’s success was the fact that he had a supportive family that helped get him started, as well as helped instill a very strong work ethic in him.  His parents encouraged and pushed him and his brothers to do their best. Although they did so in unhealthy ways, this ultimately led MJ to fulfill his destiny.  I would imagine that the performers in the musical had supportive families- or at least role models- that encouraged them along the way, which led them to the Broadway stage. 

Of course, MJ quickly rose to fame and became the number-one pop artist in the world.  His fame and talent even helped break through racial barriers. Before he came along MTV would not play videos from Black artists.  MJ’s music forced MTV to play his videos because his music was so popular.  The MJ musical brings up this fact, which I loved to see because it is important to discuss the true facts of our history so that we do not repeat that behavior. 

His fame and wealth (and of course, the racism) resulted in MJ feeling ostracized from the rest of the world.  He felt alone- different from everyone else.  I mean, who could relate to him? Other than his human qualities, which people tend to overlook when they are focused on greed, those who surrounded him probably felt like they could not relate to him, which likely resulted in inauthentic relationships.  This probably resulted in continued unusual/strange interactions with others.  His mental health was ultimately affected by his life circumstances, which probably caused him to start taking pills to help with his mental and physical pain.  As we know, Michael’s medication use is tragically what ended up taking his life.  I just think that the loneliness that came from the fame and from others' greediness is what ended up killing Michael in the end.  It is a reminder that other people (and the enemy) often try- and unfortunately are successful- to distract us or block us from experiencing the goodness of God that comes from living a purpose-filled life.  If we stay focused on his promises, we won’t be distracted. We won’t be in danger of not experiencing the beautiful life that comes from following God’s plan.

Let’s not let Michael’s death distract us from understanding the true power, example, and beauty of his overall life.  MJ’s story is so incredibly inspiring.  Despite his tragic ending, his life was an example of what can happen if we follow God’s will for our lives and pursue the unique talents and gifts that he gives each of us.  None of us will ever be able to rise to the level of fame that Michael rose to, and we must remember that it came with a cost.  However, we can rise to be the best person that God intended us to be from birth if we just trust him and follow our dreams.  Have you tapped completely into your own unique talents and skills?  Are you working to improve on them so that you can share them with the world?  Are you living the life that God intended for you?  Each of us was created to live a unique, beautiful life and to share our individual talents with others.  When we are not sharing them, we are not living out our destiny.  Imagine all of the doors that will open when you are living out the full life that God planned for you!

Fast Car

My son was telling me this morning about a video he watched where a truck driver lost control of his breaks and he had to drive out of control and was stopped by hitting another car.  Hearing about this incident immediately caused me to remember when I went through a similar experience. 

My daughter was about 5 months old at the time.  I had recently canceled my wedding, of which I had been set to marry her father. Two weeks before the scheduled shotgun wedding that we had planned, I found out he had been cheating on me.  

We had become pregnant early in our relationship, and we were young- I was 20 and he was 22.  I knew I really did not want to marry him, as all the signs pointed towards the fact that I was not the only woman in his life and he was not fully committed to me, but I was willing to try to make it work for us since I felt that was the right thing to do for the baby girl that was growing inside of me.  He and I would regularly argue. I would ask him questions about anything, and he would lie -just about everything.  It stressed me out so terribly, that it would cause me to yell/scream at him during our arguments.  It was terrible, and I knew it wasn’t a good environment for my baby, even though she was still growing inside of me.  I knew the stress affected her little body, so I prayed for her regularly. I prayed that God would somehow save her from the anxiety I was feeling.

I had been driving an old BMW at the time, which my boyfriend had purchased for me.  It was an old model.  I was a broke college student, so I drove it and hardly took care of any of the regular upkeep that was required.  It got me from A to Z and I kind of liked the fact that it felt a little “vintage.”  However, I realized at one point that my brakes were starting to go out.  I knew they needed to be repaired/replaced but I had neither the cash nor the knowledge to do what I needed to do to get them repaired. 

As my boyfriend and I continued to argue, and as the cheating I had suspected for a while had been confirmed (that is a story for another blog entry!), the tension in our apartment and my stress and depression worsened. I felt stuck but I also felt it was the best thing to continue to try to make things work for the sake of our daughter.

One day, I was driving home from work, and I felt my brakes start to slip worse than they had previously. I instinctively knew that they were about to go out.  I became frightened, as I knew that I would have to drive down a hill in a few minutes, which would cause the car to increase its speed, and I would have no way of stopping the car.  I had a quick decision to make. I would drive toward my apartment building and use the entrance sign of the building to stop my car, which would, of course, cause damage to my car, the sign, and possibly myself. Thankfully, my daughter was not in the car with me.  The second option was to let my car roll down the hill towards the grocery store parking lot that was potentially full of people and cars, and I would not be able to control what I would hit.  It was a harrowing moment.  I ultimately decided to try to let the apartment sign stop my car, as I knew I could not risk hurting anyone else.  I will never forget the fear I felt at that moment. Thankfully, I was not injured.  The sign and my car were badly damaged, and so was my pride, but thankfully my body was unscathed and no one else was hurt.

That was a low moment for me to say the least.  In fact, it felt like rock bottom, and it certainly was.  It was the moment that caused me to realize that I was not actually in the best place for myself or my daughter. If my boyfriend could let me drive a car with bad brakes, if I was arguing all the time with him anyway, if I felt as depressed and stressed as I was, I needed to get out of that situation.  Shortly afterward, I called my parents and asked if I could move back in with them so that I could return to school, work, and save money.  I knew that would be the best way for me to be able to finish school. Without completing my degree, I knew I would not be able to live the life that I wanted to live- the life God intended for me.  Sometimes, God uses literal signs to show you that you need to make a change in your life!  My choices had gotten me to that point and I had to start making choices to improve my life from then on.  It was not easy getting myself out of the financial and mental bind that I was in. It took hard work, determination, tons of coffee, and non-stop prayer for me to get to a place where I could financially and emotionally stand tall and take care of myself and my baby.

Take what you will from this story, from my story.  I firmly believe I am supposed to share it with you to help give you the knowledge and hope to get through whatever you are going through.  Just know that God didn’t want me to have to hit that sign that day. What I said about him using that sign was a joke.  I do believe the Holy Spirit helped me make a life-saving decision that day, though he would have preferred I not be in that situation in the first place! I made all the choices that got me there and I had to make the choices to get me out.  What choices do you need to make today to get you out of your situation?  I encourage you to do whatever you need to do to get yourself to where you need to be, to where God wants you to be. He will be with you every step of the way if you accept that he is there and if you allow him to guide you through your next important steps.  If he did it for me, which I know he did, he will do it for you.  Take the step into the stormy water and believe he is holding your hand as you take those terrifying steps- because he is.  

Painful Paralysis

I attend a church that believes in the power of the Holy Spirit and that believes in spreading the true message of the kingdom.  We found out about this place, Marked Church, in early 2022, which was at a time when we were looking for a new church.  We have been attending since that time and we have grown so much as individuals and as a couple since going there.  The sermon on Sunday at the Hope Mills campus, taught by Pastor John, was so good. He spoke about the power of the Holy Spirit and how the Spirit is here to guide us and protect us.  We therefore need to be obedient to the prompting of the Spirit. He said there are three ways to determine if the prompting is from God. The first is to filter what we hear through the word of God. If what you are hearing is not in line with God’s word, abort the mission. It isn’t from him.  Secondly, it is important to watch who you have in your circle.  You can be friends with many, but close friends should also strive to follow the word of God.  It is difficult to hear from God if you’re surrounded by unbelievers and if you do not have supportive Christian friends who can help you determine if what you’re hearing is the Lord.  The third way to determine if the prompting is from God, which is the point that really resonated with me, is that you need to silence your pain.  Pastor John said that your pain has you stuck and unable to hear or listen to the Lord.  This is so true for many of us! We go through terribly painful experiences, which make us fearful to take new steps in life because we do not want to feel pain again.  Our efforts to protect ourselves hinder us from living out the lives that God intended for us.  We are too afraid to take the class, lead the group, apply for the job, approach that person, and those steps all could have taken us to the perfect destiny that God had in store for us.

When I was 11, I learned about a ministry called Kings Kids that was through the Youth With a Mission (YWAM) organization.  One of the leaders of the local group spoke at a church event that I was at and explained they were looking for children and adults for their team that they would be taking on a mission trip that summer.  The group would be performing in front of crowds of people by singing and choreographed dancing to Christian music.  When I heard the leaders speaking, I knew I wanted to go and felt like God wanted me to go.  I felt the tug on my heart- the prompting from the Holy Spirit.  At that time, it had only been a year or so since my parents had split up.  My mom had 5 children she was caring for and had little to no money with which to do it.  We were “broke broke”, as the kids say.  Knowing what I know now about life and the struggles of parenting and of financial worries, I am sure my mother was heartbroken to realize that it was something that would virtually be impossible to make happen.  However, thankfully, I have a sweet, loving mother who loves the Lord and trusts him, even during the worst times in life.  She told me at that time that if we fundraised and asked certain family members to help, I would likely be able to go.  She did not let her pain -or fear- get in the way.  We ultimately raised the money, and I was able to go. Not only did I go on that trip, but I went the following year as well, which was even more expensive, as we went to Denmark, Latvia, and Spain.  Again, she bravely led and assisted me by helping me raise the money so that I could go.  The second trip was even more of a miracle, but God made it happen.  I am so thankful to have a mother who had the wisdom to not let her pain or fear get in the way of allowing God to move in her life or in her children’s lives.  Had I not gone on those mission trips as a child, including the trip to Africa later as a 17-year-old, I would not be the person I am today.  I would not have the outlook on life that I have, and I would not see people the way I do.  Those experiences molded and shaped me.   Coincidently, I was reminded of my trips with Kings Kids and YWAM this last week when I learned of the passing of Loren Cunningham, the founder of YWAM.  Such a great, kind man, who listened to the prompting of the Spirit throughout his whole life and therefore positively impacted millions of people.

I want to encourage you today.  Do not let the pain from past experiences in life paralyze and keep you from hearing from the Lord or accepting his prompting/ guidance for you.  Push the pain away, ask Jesus to heal you, and ask for strength so that you can hear from him and be led safely into your destiny.  He has such greatness in store for you, but you must let your fear and pain go and step into the path he has set for you.  Love you!

Shallow or Nah?

I love flowers.  I especially love planting them.  I love to see an empty section of dirt in a flower bed filled with beautiful flowers filled with an assortment of colors.  Even though I am often forgetful about it, I love to take care of my flowers. They say you should talk to your plants, and I definitely do that.  I encourage my flowers as I water them, and while I occasionally give them plant food, to stay strong until the next time they are watered, which may not be for a few days if I forget.  I have always wanted to plant sunflowers.  Sunflowers are such beautiful flowers, and they stand out so prominently in people's yards.  I finally planted one a couple of years ago.  I planted it on the side of the house so that if it didn’t work out for some reason, it would not be an eyesore. It was a test run.  I dug a shallow hole in the ground, threw a handful of seeds in the hole, and covered it up.  After a couple of months, to my excitement, the sunflowers grew.  They stood tall and beautiful on the side of my house.   I loved looking at them each time I watered them, and I was so proud.  Sadly, we had stormy weather one weekend, and my sunflowers were washed out of the flower bed. They were destroyed.   It was honestly kind of comical to my kids and me because we always laughed about my extremely brown thumb and they jokingly told me that the sunflowers would not last. 

I was reading the book of Matthew chapter 13 this morning and read the parable of the Sower.  To summarize it, Jesus tells the parable of a farmer who planted seeds in various environments. He planted them on a path and birds came and quickly ate them up.  He planted them on rocky land with little soil, and they quickly grew, but they did not last long because the soil was too shallow.  He planted some seeds amongst weeds and thorns and the plants were choked and destroyed.  Finally, the farmer planted seeds in good soil and the seeds produced a whole crop- hundreds of plants.  Jesus goes on to explain the meaning of the parable starting in verse 18.  He explains that the seeds represent the message of the kingdom.  When the message is received by someone who does not understand it, the devil will immediately snatch it away from them and they cannot keep it in their heart.  The seed thrown on the rocky ground represents someone who hears the word of God, and it fills them up, but only briefly, because they are not rooted in the word, and they have a shallow foundation.  To me, this represents the Christians who depend on hearing God’s word solely from others- by going to church or watching videos- but they are not studying the word for themselves.  They will quickly become distracted by the world and are prone to being easily deceived and, as the Bible says, they quickly fall away during times of trouble.  The seeds that fell amongst the thorn and weeds represents Christians who hear the word, but they are so caught up in being fooled by wealth and by worrying about life, that they cannot really hear it.  So, it goes in one ear and out the other- and they miss the true blessings (i.e., fruitfulness) that they can receive from it.  Finally, the seeds that were planted in good soil were clearly very fruitful.  Jesus said this represents the person who hears the word and understands it. When you hear it and truly understand it, it will bring great fruitfulness to your life. 

What does understanding look like?  When we understand something, we typically take action, right?  For instance, we understand that the environment is harmed by pollution and excessive use of resources, so we recycle, and we try to use less water or chemicals that harm the environment.  The same should go with reading the Bible. When we understand it, we should be following it.  Of course, it can be difficult, and Jesus is with us even when we fail.  However, if we are just listening to the word, not understanding, and not following it, we are just like the fruitless seeds in this parable.  We are just like my sad little sunflower that did not make it.  It was so fun and pretty for only a short time. When one little storm came along, it was gone.  The lesson here is that we should continue to study God’s word so that we truly understand- and follow- it, so that we can remain strong in our faith, in believing in his promises, no matter what comes our way.   I can tell you that I wish it would not have taken me this long in life to realize the importance of studying God’s word for myself.  I mean, I have always heard and believed that I needed to study it for myself, and I have read the Bible on and off for years.  However, I can tell you now that I have been a sunflower throughout my life, as my faith has occasionally withered away during times of trouble.   I have not relied on God’s word or promises always, and I’ve been fearful throughout much of my life, which has only resulted in worse problems.  When I was bored at college, instead of going to God’s word and praying about it, I decided I should transfer schools.  After I transferred, I got into the party scene and ultimately became pregnant during my sophomore year.  By no means am I saying that I regret having my baby, as my daughter is a blessing that I received despite my sin.  But can you see how it would have stopped a lot of heartbreak and difficulty for me had I understood the word of God- the message of the kingdom at that time in my life?  

The Bible is truly a manual for getting us through life, as it shows us the way to handle all situations.  Yet, in our stubbornness (laziness maybe?), we often choose to allow others to read it to us- to feed it to us- as if we are still babies.  It’s time to grow up, family!  I encourage you to make a plan today to study the Bible on your own and ask Jesus to help you truly understand it so that you will live a wholly fruitful life. 

True Religion

 I listen to a lot of Audible books. I love to listen to them while I am driving and find it is a great way to pass the time while driving.  I listen to books on leadership, love and marriage, self-help books, and I love memoirs.  I enjoy listening to them, comparing my writing style, and learning writing techniques while I listen, as well as working on personal growth as I learn lessons from them.  I am currently listening to “Bamboozled by Jesus” by Yvonne Orji and it is great so far!  The last two books I listened to were “Counting the Cost” by Jill Duggar Dillard and “Unspeakable” by Jessica Willis Fischer.  I am intrigued by their stories.  Both women were raised in very large families where their parents practiced strict, cult-like, religious rules and their fathers were also abusive.  I am drawn to their stories because I was raised similarly.  I was the second oldest of 5 children, which was a large family compared to most families I knew at that time (and now!).  My parents also led us to believe and practice Christianity.  Although we were allowed to wear pants as girls (the Duggar girls could not), we were homeschooled for a few years, as the Duggar and Willis children were.  I think my parents thought at that time that the world’s education would corrupt our minds, which is why the Duggar and Willis children were also homeschooled.  Both families were musically inclined.  My dad is a brilliant guitarist.  He led worship at church while I was a child and would often play his guitar at the house. He never forced us- or even encouraged us- to play our own musical instruments, however.   While those seemingly positive attributes existed on the surface, just below the surface, both fathers of the Duggar and Willis families were abusive.  Mr. Duggar (Jim Bob) was abusive in his controlling and manipulation of his children.  He also essentially allowed his son Josh to continue in his deviant sexually abusive behavior by sweeping it under the rug throughout his life.  Toby Willis was physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive to his family.  Both were extremely religious- and yet also abusive. 

My dad was physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive - and religious.  He would yell and curse at my mom and at us and would often have fits of rage over the slightest things, such as seeing a messy room in the house or over one of us losing a toy on a vacation.  He cheated on my mom multiple times, even bringing me to a mistress's house one time.  He would touch me in inappropriate ways and pretend he was tickling or cuddling me. He pretended it was normal parental behavior and tricked my mom – and myself- into thinking the same.  I think he even tricked himself into believing it was normal or acceptable.

One would think that if you were raised this way you would be quick to get away from religion as an adult.  It seems that the Duggar children have all continued to follow Christianity, despite their upbringing; however, thankfully, the oldest daughters have left the beliefs of the IBLP cult their family followed.  After reading Jessica’s book, it seems she may have some anger towards it, and it is unclear (to me) if she still believes.  I can see how that would happen, given the way she was raised and how evil her dad was. 

The Bible says that true religion, the only religion that God accepts as pure, is to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep from being polluted by the world (James 1:27).  Whoa- hold up- I knew about the widow and orphan part, but that last part? We are actually supposed to keep ourselves from being polluted by the world?!  The last part of the verse is often ignored by a lot of Christians who want to live as if they will just be forgiven for everything, so they do whatever they want all the time. They push that grace aspect hard!  I will be honest; I was today years old when I realized this part of the verse was there. I always knew about the widows and orphans part, but the second part is key- and yet many of us have missed it.  I think it is easy for us to ignore it because we want to live like everyone else.  But we are called to be different.  

The Duggar and Willis families, and even my own family, took to heart the “being different” part of the verse (and many other verses in the Bible).  However, they missed a part of the equation- the relationship part.  We can only truly minister to widows and orphans and even try to live unpolluted from the world, out of relationship with Jesus.  It would be impossible to do any of these things completely and selflessly without that.  When children are raised with religion and without a relationship, they are starved of the true beauty and magnificence of God and what he brings to our lives if we choose to follow and serve him.  While my dad had religion in his heart, he did not have the relationship with Jesus that he thought he had.  If he had a pure relationship, he would have repented his evil ways and would have sought help.  He would have stopped and never abused another person again. Unfortunately, that was not the case with him.  I pray that he has found a true relationship with Jesus now, as that is what true freedom from sin - and the demons that attack us - is all about.

I am starting to change.  I am starting to see things differently.  I am bothered more by unrighteous things now than I ever have been.  It is not about trying to be perfect or being better than anyone. I simply want to please and honor God with my life.  I want my life to be an act of worship to him.  I want to worship him in spirit and in truth which means I want to live each day as a statement of worship.  It is not because I want to be perfect or have a fear of not being perfect, it is because I love him, revere him, and want to please him.  If we truly love God, this is what Christianity should look like.  Many of us, including myself, have gotten it wrong. This has led many others astray and away from God.  Why would anyone want to follow God or learn about him if all the Christians they know do all the same things they do and speak, and think the same?  We are called to be different.  The Duggar and Willis families stand out in this world because they are different.  Unfortunately, the parents in those families got caught up in other things and turned away from having a pure relationship with Jesus.  The world watched and assumed this would happen because the world does not understand Jesus as we as Christians (should) understand him.  Let’s be different.  Let’s truly follow Jesus and worship him by the way we live our lives. Others will start to be more curious and will want what we have.  If they don’t see it, they won’t want it, and we have missed the opportunity to show them who God is and what his love means for all of us.  I encourage you today to make the changes in your life that you need to so that you are living a life of worship.  Let’s do it together!

I love you all so much, but Jesus loves you exceedingly more.

Friend Request

 It has been almost three weeks since I’ve been on a social media strike. Over two weeks ago, I published my blog post and then deleted my Facebook and Instagram apps.  I saved my Twitter account, but only because that is the only site that doesn’t block me from posting my blog.  I don’t even know how to use it, to be honest, so I am not tempted to spend hours on it, anyway.  I decided to take a social media break because I am sick of having fake friendships.  I crave authentic relationships.  Friends and family who reach out to me outside of SM and whom I spend time with.  Coincidently, since I took this break, I have had to undergo surgery to remove a kidney stone and for kidney stent placement.  I had outpatient surgery on September 8 and was in a little pain afterward.  During my recovery time, it was wonderful to see that I have some friends and family members who care about me, as several of them have been checking on me and asking me to let them know if I need anything.  I feel loved!  This love from them feels real since it hasn’t been coming from social media posts.  Don’t get me wrong, there are a ton of people that I am “friends” with on social media that I love to keep in touch with and I’d hate to disconnect from them entirely.  However, it just doesn’t compare to real friendship.  I am proud to have some amazing friends- both virtually and in real life- but from here on out, I want to focus more on my real-life friendships, as those will always be more beneficial than SM connections. 

Social media has just been one huge distraction for me. I’ve spent countless hours reading about other people’s lives and seeing their pictures as if my seeing their posts- or them seeing mine- makes a difference in the world around me.  I have spent far too much time sharing (bragging maybe?) about my life with others, when I should be sharing photos and experiences with my true loved ones, instead.  I honestly feel like I’ve missed out on so much of life, especially when I’m at home with my family, because of being distracted by social media.  I feel a huge amount of guilt about how much time I’ve spent staring at my phone around my children, instead of focusing on them. How many lost opportunities have there been where we could have had a valuable conversation?  Also, I worry that my phone addiction has only modeled terrible habits for my children.  They have their phone addictions now, and I feel partially to blame. Thankfully, there are apps available that can help you limit your time on your phone, which I recently started using, such as Stay Free.  They will collect the amount of time you’ve spent and help you stay accountable.  When I see those hours, I tend to put my phone down more.  If you are also struggling with this, another suggestion would be to set time frames for yourself as to when you can be on social media. So, you might tell yourself that you can only be on it 1 hour per day, or maybe not past 9 p.m.

There are some benefits to social media.  One of the main ones, I would say, is to stay connected with others, especially those that you may not otherwise be in touch with, such as distant relatives and old friends from high school.  We can instantly share photos, personal accomplishments, and fun experiences with many people at once, which can also be great.  It’s just important to remember that these connections should not replace true connections and friendships.

It is time to work on myself and conquer my social media (and smartphone) addiction. Time is precious and I need to quit wasting it in this manner.  I want to write and spend time working on my craft, instead.  I need to work out, I want to read, spend time with my family, plant flowers, and be present. Does anyone else feel this way?  It’s honestly a little embarrassing to write about it but putting it out there helps me remain accountable to myself and to working on this.  I wonder how many others out there feel the same way. On the off chance that some of my blog readers feel the same, I thought I’d share this. I want to encourage you to do what you need to do to create a better life for yourself.  Even if that means going against the grain and doing things differently than everyone else.  I am taking a stand for real connectedness and less distractions from the true, good things in life, and I hope you do, too.  

Blue Zones

        I recently started watching a show on Netflix called “Live to 100: Secrets of the Blue Zones,” which is a documentary series about longevity of life and the study of centenarians around the world.  It is fascinating to me that in the United States, on average, people do not live to be 100 years old. In fact, the average life span here is 77 years old; whereas, in other places around the world, there are concentrations of people that are living to the age of 100.  These areas are referred to as Blue Zones. The show focuses on these areas and discusses the factors involved in longevity.  Of course, diet and exercise come into play, but what I found interesting is that a major factor in living a long life is having community and close connection to others.  Okinawa, Japan is a place where they have a high concentration of centenarians.  The elderly there are greatly cared for and stay in community with the young people and with one another.  They regularly meet for meals and social gatherings and look out for each other.  In Hebrews chapter 10, the Bible says we should think about how we should encourage each other toward love and good deeds.  The author goes on to say we should not give up meeting together as a part of this encouragement. 

I am not trying to be Negative Nancy here, but doesn’t it seem like sometimes that we have given up on meeting together? I believe a huge reason for this is because social media causes us to believe we are connecting with others, so we tend to not spend much physical time together.  I am happy to know of several groups of people around my city that gather together regularly, such as the Fayetteville Running Club, for example.  Of course, we gather together as church attendees weekly, and some of us regularly meet in “small groups” where we connect on a deeper level with our church friends. 

It is too easy to be self-centered in this world and only focus on the life we are individually living.  It’s easy to neglect others outside of our own household and plan times to get together and connect with them.  Perhaps we are living shorter lives in the U.S. because of this lack of connection. The research is certainly pointing in this direction.  God wanted us to know this, as well, by having this letter to the Hebrew church included in the Bible. There are so many practical applications of the Bible that we should be paying attention to, and this is definitely one of them.  I am personally going to work on this because I want to live a long, happy life! One step that I am going to take today is to take a break from social media. I regularly take them, as I often feel the need to disconnect from Facebook and Instagram because of the fake social connection that it brings.  I want to actually connect with my friends and family.  If you are a close friend or family member reading this, let’s connect soon!

I love you all.

You are Qualified

Do you ever feel as if you are not good enough of a person or not qualified enough to talk about God to others?  Do you ever feel like you’re not “Christian enough,” especially when you compare yourself to others that seem to have the Bible memorized and seem to speak in super educated religious language all the time?  I have battled over my lifetime with these intrusive thoughts. I have felt like I am not as qualified to talk about Jesus as some other women that I know. I am an educated woman, but I speak simply, and not as eloquently as some people.  I have made huge mistakes in my life. I do not feel qualified to talk about Jesus sometimes because of these mistakes.  How can I make a difference in the world and share about God’s love when I know these things about myself?

Lies. All of it.  There are multiple examples in the Bible of “underqualified” people making a huge difference in the world. One famous story is the one about the Samaritan woman at the well, as told in John chapter 4.  This story shows us that all God needs is your faith and your testimony and he will do the rest.

Could you imagine, you’re just minding your own business, collecting some water in a jar for your family, then this man comes up to you to talk to you. He’s not supposed to be talking with you because he’s a Jew and you’re a Samaritan, and Jews and Samaritans do not associate with each other like that. You believe different things from each other and follow different rules and customs. This person is supposed to not care enough about you to strike up any sort of a conversation.  Not only does he start speaking to you, but he suddenly calls you out about your past- He knows that you’ve been married and remarried five times.  He knows that you’re currently shacking up with a man that you’re not married to.  There is no possible way this man could have known all of this! There must be something special about him.  Then, despite knowing this, even though you know you both believe different things religiously, he proceeds to explain to you a very important and intimate detail about God, which is what true worship looks like and the kind of worshipers God wants. He then tells you that he is the savior of the world.  Either this man is using magic, or he is who he says he is.

After this conversation with Jesus, the Samaritan woman went and told the people in town to come check Jesus out, shared what he said, and explained that he told her everything she ever did.  “He told me everything I ever did,” she exclaimed.  God knows everything you ever did. Everything from the little white lies you have told to your deepest, darkest secrets.  Despite knowing EVERYTHING, which isn’t pretty for some of us, he wants to use you.  All he needs is your faith and testimony. Despite the Samaritan’s woman past, she had faith.  She believed he was the savior of the world, and she testified (she told others about her experience with him). Her testimony brought many to Jesus to hear for themselves what he had to say, then “many more” became believers. It is believed that this woman’s testimony and witness to others is what catapulted the widespread news of Jesus having arrived on earth.  All she needed to do was believe, tell her story and God did all the rest. 

Harvard Business Review published an article in 2014, discussing the fact that women often do not apply for jobs unless they are 100 percent qualified; as opposed to men, who will often apply for a job when they meet only 60 percent of the qualifications (https://hbr.org/2014/08/why-women-dont-apply-for-jobs-unless-theyre-100-qualified).  This is astounding! We women tend to not put ourselves out there if we do not believe we are qualified. We won't even try.

The Samaritan woman didn’t have the perfect words. She wasn’t a renowned theologian. In fact, she was from an entirely different culture and didn’t even have the same exact fundamental beliefs as the Jewish people, as she was a Samaritan.  She simply listened, believed, and shared.  Any time you feel afraid to share about Jesus and start to feel unqualified or as if you don’t “know enough” or can’t say it “the right way,” remember the Samaritan woman that Jesus met at the well.  He knew all about her before he arrived. He knew she didn’t know everything about him and knew she wouldn’t be able to go out and preach about him in a profound way. However, he knew she had faith and hope in her heart.  She believed – or was curious enough- in that moment, that once she shared what had happened, others believed, others sought him to learn more, and more were saved.  I encourage you, women and men of God, to have faith, share what you know – your story, and our Savior will take care of the rest.

Loyalty

 "Where you go, I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God."  Ruth 1:16

If you’re like me, you have seen the genealogy sections in the Bible throughout your life and mentally skipped over them. You see that “so and so” was the father of “so and so” and it goes on and on about the family genealogy and your brain just kind of shuts off.  It doesn’t feel relevant or important to you at the time.  I had an experience the other day where this all changed for me.  I decided to read through the New Testament again, from start to finish.  As I started with the first chapter in Matthew, and noticed it was a description of the genealogy of Jesus, I almost decided to skip through as I typically do.  However, this time was different for some reason.  I decided to read through it and see if I would notice certain people that were related to Jesus that I may not have known before.  This may be old news to some of you, but for anyone that has never realized this before, I thought I’d share what I found.

Verse 5 tells us that Boaz was related to Jesus.  The book of Ruth tells us about the story of Ruth and Naomi.  Long story short, for those that are unfamiliar, Ruth was the daughter-in-law of Naomi. Both of their husbands died, and Naomi decided to return to her homeland, Bethlehem.  Despite urging Ruth to return to her own family, Ruth sacrificially moved with Naomi to take care of her.  Once they were in Bethlehem, Ruth would work in the fields and would provide for them both, as Naomi was an older woman and could not do that for herself.  Ruth ultimately met the man in charge of the operation, Boaz. Boaz ended up liking Ruth, helping her by assigning her to easier/less physically demanding work than gleaning from the fields, and they ultimately fell in love and got married.  This was essentially a blessing from God because of Ruth’s faithfulness and loyalty to Naomi. 

Of course, the story of Ruth is a great one.  We read it and glean so much from it (no pun intended!), but, until we read Matthew chapter 1, we might not fully grasp the importance of Ruth to the overall history of Jesus and ultimately our salvation.  This story shows how important the characteristics of faithfulness and loyalty are to God.  If Ruth had not been obedient and taken care of Naomi, she would not have met Boaz, which would have altered the genealogy of Jesus!  Our decisions are important. Every decision we make has an impact.  How loyal are you to your friends? Are you truly there for them when they need you? Are your conversations all about yourself or do you ask them about their lives, too?  Would you drop everything to be by her side when she needs you? 

Let’s decide to be loyal and faithful to our friends, if we’re not that way already.  You may never know the power and impact this could have on your life and on theirs.

Finding God in the Caribbean Sea

“How many are your works, Lord! In wisdom you made them all; the earth is full of your creatures.  There is the sea, vast and spacious, teeming with creatures beyond number- living things both large and small.”- Psalm 104:24-25

Finding God in the Caribbean Sea

As I was snorkeling in the Caribbean Sea the other day, I couldn’t stop thinking about God and his power.  I mean, how could you not think about the creator of the universe when you are under water, seeing hundreds of fish, rocks, and plants with the many vibrant colors throughout?  I just kept thinking about how creative and imaginative God is.  He pays attention to the details.  Not only did he think to create all the fish that can sustain us if we eat them, but he thought of all the fish and creatures that are just simply so beautiful and colorful.  Each fish is different from the rest.  The coral reef we swam over was covered in bright purple and green algae and seagrasses, as well as many other types of plants making up the ecosystem.   We always talk about God’s eye being on the sparrow, but his eyes are on the fish and sea creatures, too!  The smallest, most minuscule creatures of the sea were carefully designed with a purpose in mind.  If he thought of each of these, how much do you think he thinks of you?

The ocean is vast, immense, covering most of the earth.  We are beyond minute in comparison.  If the Lord cares to design creatures for the oceans of the world, how much do you think he cared about designing you?  The word says he designed you to have dominion over the creatures of the world, which includes those in the sea.  He carefully constructed it all and it all has a purpose.  Anytime you start to feel worthless, hopeless, like you don’t matter in this world, try to think about this fact.  Think about how God designed you to be a ruler over his vast creation.  Your importance should not be taken for granted.  However, in thinking of your importance, do not underestimate his importance in your life.  The creator loves you immensely and took the time to design you to be the unique individual that you are.  When you understand his importance, you will understand your own. You will then be able to share with others the hope that comes from believing in and trusting the creator of the land and sea and all the creatures that inhabit them. 

PR for the DR

 Although I am not a travel blogger, I am most definitely a traveler.  My husband and I strive to save up and take regular vacations each year.  We believe in the importance of seeing the world and enjoying our life, rather than working all the time and waiting until our later years to travel.  Life is short- enjoy it now.  This month, we went to the Dominican Republic and had a great time.  We stayed at the Secrets Royal Beach Resort in Punta Cana.  The trip was an adventure from the moment we woke up at 3 a.m. on our travel day to catch our flight.  We awoke to a text message from the airline stating the flight had been cancelled and that we were to fly out the next day, instead.  A great- and at times- annoying character trait of my husband’s is that he will not quickly accept changes, especially if he dislikes them or if they have caused problems for him.  He was unwilling to accept that we would fly out the next day, so his first thought was that we would do everything possible to try to get on a different flight that morning.  We ended up rushing to leave the house (within about 15 minutes!) and headed to Raleigh, where we noticed online that there was a flight heading to Punta Cana that would be leaving within the next few hours.  On our way to RDU, we called Delta and ended up booking the four of us on that flight, which was all finalized as we were walking into the airport. 

Upon arriving at Secrets, we were greeted with a warm welcome and long-stemmed glasses of champagne.  Our assigned butler for the week, Alfredo, helped us check in, then gave us a tour of the resort.  It was simply gorgeous, with a large variety of colorful tropical flowers and plants throughout, and tons of palm trees. After all, Punta Cana essentially means “tip of the palm tree.”  The resort has a main pool, a lazy river, and several other large pools to choose from, with several swim up bars, as well as a beautiful infinity pool overlooking the crystal clear Caribbean Ocean.  The guest rooms have a natural design esthetic, decorated with ivory, caramel and olive green tones. They were very clean and comfortable.  We chose a room that had a private soaking pool, which was directly off the back deck.  We experienced absolute luxury!

At the resort, we enjoyed trying out the variety of restaurants, all of which had incredible and tasty dining options, to include a Hibachi grill, gourmet buffet, American styled grill, Italian restaurant, Latin/Dominican, and French cuisine.  The food overall was amazing, as we did not have one meal that we disliked.  One of the restaurants even had a giant, 3-pound hamburger that was meant for 4 people to share. They sing a special song when a group of servers bring it out.  Our friend tried unsuccessfully to eat most of it on his own. 

This resort was so beautiful that, of course, people want to get married there.  We were excited to be able to see a wedding while we were there.  The bride’s gown was stunning- I will never forget the way it sparkled on the beach.  The bridal party came down the isle to an electric violin playing a variety of romantic hits.  There were 10 bridesmaids and 5 groomsmen, so each man had two ladies on either side of him as he walked down the aisle.  I wonder if that was a disagreement that they had that she won… How many people they each would have in their bridal party.  The first of many that the wife would win.  As she came down the aisle, my girlfriend and I stood up in reverence- in our bikinis- beside our resort beach chairs.  It was funny, beautiful, and amazing all at once.

During the trip, we took two excursions.  One of which was to the gorgeous Saona island.  We took two different buses to get to the dock where we boarded our first boat.  I would say there were about 50 of us on the trip.  They first took us out to a sandbar in the middle of the ocean where we could stand up in the translucent, turquoise water, that was about 3 feet high all around us.  A floating bar tender served us drinks and snacks right there in the middle of the ocean. About 6 boats were out there with us, so each group of people were standing in the water and partying. It was so much fun!  After spending about 30 minutes at the sandbar, we went back onboard the boat, and we headed to the island.  Once on the island, they gave us glasses of champagne and had a tasty buffet lunch comprised of fresh fish, rice, a variety of different types of salad, and fresh fruit waiting for us.  After we ate, we went swimming. The four of us in our group stayed in the water the entire rest of the time at the island, which was about two hours.  The Caribbean water felt and looked amazing.  We also enjoyed drinks served in pineapples while swimming. The whole day was heavenly.  After we boarded back on the boat, we took a catamaran party boat back to the original docking location. We danced, watched the beautiful ocean waves, and enjoyed the slow trip back.

We also took a dune buggy excursion, where we took a guided dune buggy tour through the city streets and countryside of Punta Cana.  It had rained that week, so we went through several mud puddles, which my husband gladly, purposefully did not avoid.  We were covered in mud from head to toe, and we loved every second of it.  For part of the trip, I could not really see because of the sunlight, and I was wearing goggles.  I thought I was taking photos and videos of the beautiful countryside but ended up taking about 20 selfies and a ten-minute-long video of my face. It was hilarious!

The tour took us to a local house in the country where they gave us fresh brewed Dominican coffee and some chocolate.  We then rode to a small grocery store, where the tour guide gave us snacks and we purchased a few small items.  For the final part of the buggy tour, we went to Macao beach.  After we parked our buggies, we walked down to the beach.  As I was covered in mud, I could not wait to rip off my muddy clothes and jump in the water (don’t worry, I was wearing a swimsuit).  It was exhilarating.  The tour guide unfortunately didn’t have us there very long, as we stayed there about 20 minutes or so.  We rode back to the shop where we started the tour and rode on the main highways to get there at full speed, which we were all a little surprised about.  The tour company we went with for this tour was Xtreme Buggy (Punta Cana).  The business is run by a quirky and completely loveable German man.  The tour guide was a woman from Switzerland that traveled to the DR so many times on vacation, that she ended up deciding to move there because she loved it so much.  She learned Spanish before she moved so that she could speak the language of the locals.  What a life! She really inspired me.

I must share this part of the trip because I think it may be helpful to some.  My husband and I do argue sometimes on our vacations and this one was no exception. I think it comes from anxiousness and wanting everything to be perfect because we spent all this time and money to get there.  However, we are human, so it can’t be perfect, and mistakes will be made.  For me, I get overly upset about arguments or disagreements on trips because it always reminds me of my childhood.  We would go on vacation every summer and my dad would get so angry with us kids every trip, and mentally abuse us, that it always stressed me out and made me feel terrible.  I could never fully enjoy our family trips for that reason.  I guess that should be another blog post, perhaps, but, whenever Mose and I argue on vacations, it immediately takes me back to that mental place and it feels terrible. 

The important thing to remember if you start to argue about something is that it’s from a place of anxiousness and wanting everything to be perfect. You need to come to terms with the fact that everything cannot go perfectly when you travel.  Whenever people are involved in anything in life, there will be imperfections. It’s important to go with the flow, easily forgive, and move on from whatever the other person – or yourself- is upset about while traveling.  It’s also important to work on yourself so that you are not easily getting upset about minor problems while traveling. Do not make the trip be just about you.  You both worked to get there, now, enjoy it and choose not to get upset by minor problems.

This blog entry has been a little long, so I will end it with this- MAKE THE TIME TO TRAVEL.  Do not wait until you have the time, as there will always be things that get added to your schedule that will fill up your time.  Quit spending money on frivolous things like makeup, expensive clothes, and jewelry and save that money for traveling and seeing the world, instead.  Of all the things you can do in your life, traveling is one of the most important.  While travel should not always be about vacationing- as we should also be going to help others around the world, I believe, it is immensely beneficial for your psychological well-being to get away from where you live and experience another culture.  Quit letting your fears get in the way of you living your life.  Go out and experience the world!

Ode to the MIL

It has been 19 years since we’ve known each other.  I will never forget the first time I met her. Mose invited me home to meet his family when we were dating.  She was welcoming but guarded- understandably. I was nervous and excited.  I knew that Mose and I really cared about each other on a deep level and that we were serious about our relationship by that point, even though we had only been together a few months.  As we were all relaxing on the sofa one evening, just the three of us, we started talking about the future. I mentioned that he and I would still be together (I can’t recall exactly what we were talking about). I was insinuating how serious we felt about each other at that point.  She quickly- and I mean quickly- told me that he and I were friends and still getting to know each other.  In so many words, she was telling me to calm down and not rush anything.  I was slightly offended in that moment, but I also understood where she was coming from.  She didn’t know me at all.  She was also not ready to let go of her baby.  I am also the only white woman my husband has been with, so there was that, as well.

You may be wondering why I would mention such a thing.  There are a lot of white people, I believe, that choose to ignore people’s skin color, acting like that is the best way to not be “racist.” Remember the whole “love sees no color” movement in the 90s? The movement stemmed from that idea- that if we really loved each other, we would not see skin color.  I am here to tell you that is not love.  If we choose to ignore that aspect of people, we are choosing to not see ALL of who they are- all of whom God created them to be.  For non-white people, their skin color has helped shaped their entire existence and effects their daily lives, so in what way does this show love to ignore that aspect of them? We should love others for their entire, whole selves, which is exactly how my in-laws have loved me from the start.

My MIL has taken time over to years to learn to trust me as a person- most importantly to trust me to take care of her son.  I had to prove that over time with my actions. She and I have both understood this, but she has never demanded this from me in a forceful way or shown any sort of distrust or dislike of me whatsoever.  As a mother of a son, I whole heartedly understand what she has done for me and how difficult it has been.  As a mother of a Black son, I understand on an even deeper level. 

This world does not favor Black men.  They are considered inhuman by many racist people because of years of systemic racism, which continues to happen today.  It is part of the reason why the jails are overpopulated by them and why they are killed so often by the police and others.

I know that my MIL gave her son to God and trusted that the Lord would take care of him, which is all we mother’s can do.  In that, she trusted me and has believed in me to care for her son the way he deserves to be cared for. She has hoped that I would provide a life for him that he would have lived had he married a Black woman.  A comfortable life, where he could be himself in his own home and not have to prove himself constantly. 

My MIL is one of the most giving, loving, funny, beautiful people I know.  She would truly give the shirt off her back to help any of us in the family.  She is quick to give advice and wisdom. She never holds back with sharing what she knows, which is out of love. She always wants the best for us.  I am so thankful for her and grateful that she opened her heart to me and has trusted me with her son all these years.  Today is her birthday and I wanted to honor her by writing this post about her.

I love you, mom, and wishing you a very happy birthday today! Thank you for opening your heart to me and for all that you have done for me and our family. 

Te Amo

 “Better is open rebuke than hidden love.”- Proverbs 27:5

I have always been the friend that says, “I love you.” I have believed throughout my life that it is important to express love and affection and to say “I love you” often, not just to family, but to friends, as well.  I have several friends that I feel very close to, who I say this to, who do not say it back.  I am curious as to why some people do not easily say these words.  Is it that they are so powerful that they reserve who they say it to and when they say it for what they consider important items?  Do they just not love me back? Maybe they think they should not say these words to a friend, and only to family?  The thing is, I consider them as family.  It stings a little each time the words are not reciprocated, but I typically chalk it up to the fact that they are someone that does not say the words easily rather than the fact that they just might not love me.  I do not say it all willy nilly to whoever I want to, I really do mean it.  So, that is what I want my friends to understand after I say it.  For those of you that do not say it to your friends, do you want them to know that you love them?  If you do, I strongly suggest you learn to become comfortable with it and say it back.  Don’t you want your friends to know how you feel about them?  I would never want to leave this earth and have friends left behind that wonder how I felt about them.  All my close friends know that I love them- whether they say it back to me or not- they know that I love them, and that is what matters most.  I encourage you to look at yourself and consider whether you are the type of friend that tells your friends how you feel, and if you are not, you may want to reconsider.  What do you have to lose?

We all live in a yellow submarine

This past week, a crew of five wealthy passengers took a voyage on a small vessel- a submersible- named “Titan” to look at the wreckage of the Titanic, which is sitting on the bottom of the ocean.  Titan was unfortunately not properly built for the intensity and the pressure of the depth of the water, so it imploded.  All five passengers died.  This made national news and people went crazy over it on social media.  Many of the comments I saw were making fun of the voyagers for taking such a dangerous trip, as well as shaming them for spending their money on it.  There were also comments about the news focusing on these wealthy people and their tragedy as opposed to a ship carrying hundreds of immigrants that went missing right around the same time.  People felt as if the media was focused on the wrong thing. 

I did not say a word about it on my social media.  I am so far removed from either situation that I did not think it was my place to say anything, and, frankly, I was annoyed with seeing so many posts about it.  I do not enjoy being a part of “trendy” discussions, just for the sake of being trendy.  Alas, for some reason, I feel the need to share my thoughts here with those that are willing to spend the time to read my blog.  I guess I am being trendy now.  So, here goes.

First, regarding the media, we all know good and well that the media always focuses on what is most glamorous. Sadly, most people in the world would want to hear about billionaires taking a dangerous trip to the bottom of the ocean than what happened with a ship carrying hundreds of immigrants. It is fascinating to imagine what living like a billionaire would be like for most of us, so hearing their story was captivating for most of us. 

Second, regarding the fact that they took the dangerous trip in the first place, I say that it is all relative.  An adventurous billionaire’s trip to the bottom of the sea could equate to an adventurous poor man’s hiking trip on a steep trail to the top of a mountain. Both trips are dangerous and could result in death and would be affordable for that person.  How can we mock someone for being adventurous when most of us would love to have more adventure in our lives?  True enough, we might not want to explore the ocean in such a way, but that is exciting for a lot of people- to see and research the ocean and its contents.

Unfortunately, the submersible voyagers did not survive their adventure. I pray they were at least able to see the wreckage of the Titanic before their vessel imploded. Most of all, I am praying for the mother who let her 19-year-old son take the fateful trip. I know the sacrifice she made to allow him to go instead of herself, because he really wanted to go.  It may have been a life-long dream of hers to go, as well, but she sacrificed her own desires to do something special for her son.  It sadly ultimately resulted in his early death.  She will always live with this knowledge that it could have been her instead of him.  Any loving mother would always want to sacrifice themselves instead of their child. It is what we do as moms.  My heart goes out to her.  Not only did she lose her husband, but she lost her son, and it could have been her on that boat. 

With both terrible situations, we should show love and concern, as opposed to judgement and ridicule.  We all make choices for ourselves that may be dangerous at times and the choices are relative to our own situations.  You might decide to bungee jump, go white water rafting, or go skiing. All these activities, despite the safety mechanisms put in place for them, are dangerous to a certain degree.  You could potentially die from participating in any of these things. 

As I sit and think about what transpired over the last couple of weeks, I am praying for the families of the victims of both tragedies. I encourage you to do the same.  We are all out here just trying to live life the best way we know how.  Let’s give each other a break.

God's Plan

 

“Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.”- Prov 16: 3

It’s amazing to think of the various plans that I’ve made for my life that have wound up resulting in much different outcomes than I’ve expected.  After my trip to Africa as a teenager, I was convinced that God’s plan for my life was for me to be a counselor for children. I thought that meant I was either going to be an LPC or a school counselor. I would end up earning a master’s degree in 2009 in school counseling and worked as an elementary school counselor for two years.  I believed I was serving my “purpose” and walking in line with God’s will for my life. 

During that time, however, my husband and I became more and more dissatisfied with our living situation. Living as an interracial family in Central Oregon, where there were not many Black people at all, was not the most comfortable set up.  In fact, when I was in high school, we had maybe two Black students out of the entire student population.  It was frustrating having to deal with the stares and the subtlety racist comments on an almost daily basis.  My husband grew up in Alabama, and the first – and only- time he has ever been called the “n-word” was in my hometown.

We decided we wanted more for our family.  We wanted to raise our children in a culturally diverse environment, where there were more like-minded people. We wanted them to have more educational opportunities and to be able to see more of the world.  Most importantly, we wanted to move closer to my in-laws, who were very loving and supportive parents and grandparents.  Not to mention, we also wanted to move to an area where the cost of living was much more reasonable. We therefore decided to move to the South. 

In 2010, we ended up moving to North Carolina, which is where I received an offer. It was a great job- working for the federal government, but I simply just saw it as a “job” at that time, as I “knew” I would eventually return to school counseling.  I needed to move to the new State first, get my family settled, then learn about the credentialing requirements and work towards those.  However, after only a brief time of working in NC, I knew that I would not be able to return quickly to my prior profession, as the government work paid much better and was therefore best for my family.  My husband was still working on building up his career and working towards what he wanted to do, so it was the responsible thing for me to stay where I was.  I started feeling angry about the decision, and feeling as if I was not doing what God wanted me to do with my life.  Even though I made the choice to not return to counseling, I was resentful and blamed Mose.  After eight years of doing this work, which I felt was not my purpose, I decided that I wanted to look into going into leadership.  I applied for a competitive leadership development program at work.  I knew that if I did not make it into that program, I would return to school counseling, regardless of whether I would have to take a pay cut.  Long story short, I would be accepted into that program, which spearheaded my leadership journey.  I was promoted to a supervisor position within two years, and I was promoted again to be the office Director another three years later. 

I have never felt more fulfilled or happy than I do now in my current position.  I am able to be a positive leader each day. I look for opportunities to encourage our employees regularly, and make beneficial decisions for our office.  I use my counseling skills often.  I truly believe I am serving my purpose and in a place where I can use my skills to the utmost capacity.

You may be in a season where you do not feel as though you are serving your purpose.  It may be that you are on a stepping stone towards the ultimate plan for your life, so you are actually following the plan. It takes time to get where you want to be, so patience is key. One thing we need to always remember is that our purpose is actually to love and serve others (John 13:34).  Whenever we are doing these, we are serving our purpose.  We spend so much time worrying about what our “purpose” is and whether we are walking in it, but we fail to see that when we are fulfilling God’s primary tasks for us, that we are doing just that.  It looks different for each of us because we each have different skillsets and experiences that lead us in different directions, but there is no right or wrong way.  Let go of that guilt and worry, friends!  Stay the course and focus on building up your own personal skills.  You are heading down the right path towards what God has in store for you. 

He Came for Me- Part 2

I was very drunk at a party and was hanging out with a guy. I started to black out at certain points, but at some point, he took me to a back room and wanted to have sex.  I would tell him I didn’t want to because I knew that I wasn’t ready.  Even as I was very drunk, I knew that I did not want to have sex with someone that I just met.  I was going in and out of full consciousness and remember waking up in different rooms, where he was having sex with me.  I remember him whispering certain things to me while it was happening that people say during consensual sex and I remember feeling confused as to why he was saying those things, as if I was going along with what was happening. The night was mostly a blur, but the parts that were clear were traumatic. 

That experience made me realize that my “friends” would not always look out for me. Where were they that night? Why did they not come for me and get me away from him?  I had one friend that eventually called me that evening to check in on me and she took me to the hospital where they completed a rape kit. 

I slowed down attending parties after that, but, sadly, it still did not cause me to stop partying completely.  In fact, the next weekend, I ran into the same guy at a different party. He apparently had heard that I went to the hospital that night.  He walked up to me and asked me if I was ok and claimed that he thought I was “into it” and he did not think he forced me into anything I did not want to do.  I ended up not pressing charges against him because I was worried about having to see him at school or dealing with the aftermath of that at school.  He transferred to a different school the following year. 

I am certainly not saying that what happened to me was my fault. However, I do believe that I made very dangerous decisions that night, such as drinking far too much alcohol and leaving my friends, which put me in a vulnerable position. 

After that happened, I continued to make poor choices and my life continued on the downward spiral.  I got pregnant by a man I was dating.  After cancelling our wedding because he was cheating on me, I ended up breaking up with him and having to move back to Central Oregon to live with my parents. I lost a ton of weight because I was so depressed and working out all the time to avoid my thoughts.

But, then, Jesus came for me.  He was actually with me the entire time I was going through all of this. One day, for whatever reason, I realized that he was with me. He knew that I would experience all these things because of the choices I made.  Even though I felt far from God at that time, he was right beside me.  I was the lamb that ran away from the flock, and he came back to scoop me up.  I was important to him, even when I felt unloved and unimportant. I asked him for forgiveness, and I knew that I was forgiven.  I started going back to church and making healthier choices for my life. I enrolled in college classes at Oregon State- Cascades campus, got an apartment for myself and my daughter, and eventually finished my degree.  I was hired at the Boys & Girls Club and worked there during college, which felt like ministry every day. I loved the work I did there with those kids. I spent each day showing them God’s love through my actions and by being there for them each day.  It felt like a gift and an honor to work there while supporting myself and my daughter at the same time.

Have I continued to make bad decisions in my life after going through all of that?  Of course.  I have made uncountable mistakes in my life since that time.  After every mistake and rough patch, though, the crook of my Shepherd has grabbed my little stubborn neck and directed me back to safety.  He continues to come for me after each time I get myself into trouble. I trust that he will guide me back to safety because he said that he would.  The wiser I have become, the closer I have remained to him, and therefore I have made less serious mistakes.  If I keep my eyes on him, I will be less likely to stray.  In fact, I never want to feel the pain that I’ve felt each time I’ve made life altering mistakes in my life again. I would like to just remain comfortable, stay with the flock, with Jesus, and stay away from the trouble.  I will continue to do my best and do just that.  However, I know that if I fall again, he will be right there to scoop me up.  

Friends, I am not special or any different from you.  We all make choices that hurt us and sometimes even alter our lives completely- or we are negatively affected by other’s choices.  Jesus wants us to know that he is with us, even in the darkest times of our lives.  He is there, waiting to take your hand and help you walk away from it.  To walk you back into safety and security.  Will you let God scoop you up?