Fast Car

My son was telling me this morning about a video he watched where a truck driver lost control of his breaks and he had to drive out of control and was stopped by hitting another car.  Hearing about this incident immediately caused me to remember when I went through a similar experience. 

My daughter was about 5 months old at the time.  I had recently canceled my wedding, of which I had been set to marry her father. Two weeks before the scheduled shotgun wedding that we had planned, I found out he had been cheating on me.  

We had become pregnant early in our relationship, and we were young- I was 20 and he was 22.  I knew I really did not want to marry him, as all the signs pointed towards the fact that I was not the only woman in his life and he was not fully committed to me, but I was willing to try to make it work for us since I felt that was the right thing to do for the baby girl that was growing inside of me.  He and I would regularly argue. I would ask him questions about anything, and he would lie -just about everything.  It stressed me out so terribly, that it would cause me to yell/scream at him during our arguments.  It was terrible, and I knew it wasn’t a good environment for my baby, even though she was still growing inside of me.  I knew the stress affected her little body, so I prayed for her regularly. I prayed that God would somehow save her from the anxiety I was feeling.

I had been driving an old BMW at the time, which my boyfriend had purchased for me.  It was an old model.  I was a broke college student, so I drove it and hardly took care of any of the regular upkeep that was required.  It got me from A to Z and I kind of liked the fact that it felt a little “vintage.”  However, I realized at one point that my brakes were starting to go out.  I knew they needed to be repaired/replaced but I had neither the cash nor the knowledge to do what I needed to do to get them repaired. 

As my boyfriend and I continued to argue, and as the cheating I had suspected for a while had been confirmed (that is a story for another blog entry!), the tension in our apartment and my stress and depression worsened. I felt stuck but I also felt it was the best thing to continue to try to make things work for the sake of our daughter.

One day, I was driving home from work, and I felt my brakes start to slip worse than they had previously. I instinctively knew that they were about to go out.  I became frightened, as I knew that I would have to drive down a hill in a few minutes, which would cause the car to increase its speed, and I would have no way of stopping the car.  I had a quick decision to make. I would drive toward my apartment building and use the entrance sign of the building to stop my car, which would, of course, cause damage to my car, the sign, and possibly myself. Thankfully, my daughter was not in the car with me.  The second option was to let my car roll down the hill towards the grocery store parking lot that was potentially full of people and cars, and I would not be able to control what I would hit.  It was a harrowing moment.  I ultimately decided to try to let the apartment sign stop my car, as I knew I could not risk hurting anyone else.  I will never forget the fear I felt at that moment. Thankfully, I was not injured.  The sign and my car were badly damaged, and so was my pride, but thankfully my body was unscathed and no one else was hurt.

That was a low moment for me to say the least.  In fact, it felt like rock bottom, and it certainly was.  It was the moment that caused me to realize that I was not actually in the best place for myself or my daughter. If my boyfriend could let me drive a car with bad brakes, if I was arguing all the time with him anyway, if I felt as depressed and stressed as I was, I needed to get out of that situation.  Shortly afterward, I called my parents and asked if I could move back in with them so that I could return to school, work, and save money.  I knew that would be the best way for me to be able to finish school. Without completing my degree, I knew I would not be able to live the life that I wanted to live- the life God intended for me.  Sometimes, God uses literal signs to show you that you need to make a change in your life!  My choices had gotten me to that point and I had to start making choices to improve my life from then on.  It was not easy getting myself out of the financial and mental bind that I was in. It took hard work, determination, tons of coffee, and non-stop prayer for me to get to a place where I could financially and emotionally stand tall and take care of myself and my baby.

Take what you will from this story, from my story.  I firmly believe I am supposed to share it with you to help give you the knowledge and hope to get through whatever you are going through.  Just know that God didn’t want me to have to hit that sign that day. What I said about him using that sign was a joke.  I do believe the Holy Spirit helped me make a life-saving decision that day, though he would have preferred I not be in that situation in the first place! I made all the choices that got me there and I had to make the choices to get me out.  What choices do you need to make today to get you out of your situation?  I encourage you to do whatever you need to do to get yourself to where you need to be, to where God wants you to be. He will be with you every step of the way if you accept that he is there and if you allow him to guide you through your next important steps.  If he did it for me, which I know he did, he will do it for you.  Take the step into the stormy water and believe he is holding your hand as you take those terrifying steps- because he is.