He Came for Me- Part 2

I was very drunk at a party and was hanging out with a guy. I started to black out at certain points, but at some point, he took me to a back room and wanted to have sex.  I would tell him I didn’t want to because I knew that I wasn’t ready.  Even as I was very drunk, I knew that I did not want to have sex with someone that I just met.  I was going in and out of full consciousness and remember waking up in different rooms, where he was having sex with me.  I remember him whispering certain things to me while it was happening that people say during consensual sex and I remember feeling confused as to why he was saying those things, as if I was going along with what was happening. The night was mostly a blur, but the parts that were clear were traumatic. 

That experience made me realize that my “friends” would not always look out for me. Where were they that night? Why did they not come for me and get me away from him?  I had one friend that eventually called me that evening to check in on me and she took me to the hospital where they completed a rape kit. 

I slowed down attending parties after that, but, sadly, it still did not cause me to stop partying completely.  In fact, the next weekend, I ran into the same guy at a different party. He apparently had heard that I went to the hospital that night.  He walked up to me and asked me if I was ok and claimed that he thought I was “into it” and he did not think he forced me into anything I did not want to do.  I ended up not pressing charges against him because I was worried about having to see him at school or dealing with the aftermath of that at school.  He transferred to a different school the following year. 

I am certainly not saying that what happened to me was my fault. However, I do believe that I made very dangerous decisions that night, such as drinking far too much alcohol and leaving my friends, which put me in a vulnerable position. 

After that happened, I continued to make poor choices and my life continued on the downward spiral.  I got pregnant by a man I was dating.  After cancelling our wedding because he was cheating on me, I ended up breaking up with him and having to move back to Central Oregon to live with my parents. I lost a ton of weight because I was so depressed and working out all the time to avoid my thoughts.

But, then, Jesus came for me.  He was actually with me the entire time I was going through all of this. One day, for whatever reason, I realized that he was with me. He knew that I would experience all these things because of the choices I made.  Even though I felt far from God at that time, he was right beside me.  I was the lamb that ran away from the flock, and he came back to scoop me up.  I was important to him, even when I felt unloved and unimportant. I asked him for forgiveness, and I knew that I was forgiven.  I started going back to church and making healthier choices for my life. I enrolled in college classes at Oregon State- Cascades campus, got an apartment for myself and my daughter, and eventually finished my degree.  I was hired at the Boys & Girls Club and worked there during college, which felt like ministry every day. I loved the work I did there with those kids. I spent each day showing them God’s love through my actions and by being there for them each day.  It felt like a gift and an honor to work there while supporting myself and my daughter at the same time.

Have I continued to make bad decisions in my life after going through all of that?  Of course.  I have made uncountable mistakes in my life since that time.  After every mistake and rough patch, though, the crook of my Shepherd has grabbed my little stubborn neck and directed me back to safety.  He continues to come for me after each time I get myself into trouble. I trust that he will guide me back to safety because he said that he would.  The wiser I have become, the closer I have remained to him, and therefore I have made less serious mistakes.  If I keep my eyes on him, I will be less likely to stray.  In fact, I never want to feel the pain that I’ve felt each time I’ve made life altering mistakes in my life again. I would like to just remain comfortable, stay with the flock, with Jesus, and stay away from the trouble.  I will continue to do my best and do just that.  However, I know that if I fall again, he will be right there to scoop me up.  

Friends, I am not special or any different from you.  We all make choices that hurt us and sometimes even alter our lives completely- or we are negatively affected by other’s choices.  Jesus wants us to know that he is with us, even in the darkest times of our lives.  He is there, waiting to take your hand and help you walk away from it.  To walk you back into safety and security.  Will you let God scoop you up?